[note: I had a business proposal to write, and I was up against a deadline.]
…So I am mostly feeling heaviness and fear/dread/guilt. I hate deadlines. I wish I had the chair but I don't even feel like I would have time to go move on it. I barely feel like I have time to channel. I don't even have time to formulate a question.
I feel that I am "bad" in relationship to the deadline. I guess I feel that I should have finished the proposal already, even though I knew that that would not be possible. I also feel "bad" in that I should have already done my research on pricing, etc. I should have been more serious about my professional development. I should already have training under my belt, and belong to associations, etc.
Its like a confrontation with the denial that I have been in. Kind of a "what was I thinking?" And also, "why didn't I give myself permission to pursue this stuff, [training, joining associations, etc.] when I knew it was a good thing?" Something about not feeling like I could justify it? To DD (Dear Dad), to DH (Dear Husband)?
I have not been in control of my career. I have been reactive, and also in fantasy… wanting an idealized version and not confronting the survival terror of supporting myself.
I guess I am starting to feel some of that terror… and also terror of my own inadequacies, of making a mistake, etc. Of fucking up big time. I wish I could get my own version of malpractice insurance. I wish my clients would take responsibility for themselves so I wouldn't have to be the fall guy if something goes wrong.
I need to go back on the chair about this.
And what about the chair???
What about doing sessions with other people???
MFGH can you help me receive and move and heal my terror?
(MFGH) yes, of course. Remember, whether this terror is triggered in you or not, it is still in existence. it is still suffering. So every time that you feel it, you are healing it. You are doing a good thing.
(me) I don't know if I believe that. Its confusing to me, especially with the anxiety part of the bipolar. I don't feel that denied will is causal. I don't feel that being terrified does anything to heal it. I don't know how to move a panic attack.
(MFGH) well we haven't gone into the causes of bipolar yet.
(me) well I don't think that you know, or that I am really channeling you, or could trust what you say… I feel like I can't bridge the two paradigms of causality.
I certainly don't think that it can be healed… when I look at how outsiders view it. I'm having a lot of doubts right now.
(MFGH) well consider your history, your position, just in this life. Consider the world views you have been indoctrinated in, and have tried to bridge and incorporate. It’s a big task, and you don't have anybody to turn to who has done this before. There are no answers out there for you. You have to discover this, construct this for yourself. You have to have an answer that really satisfies you, that satisfies everything.
And that is not wrong. It is not wrong to want a satisfactory answer about the chair, either. It is not wrong to want to understand, to understand all the way down through the cellular to the atomic level. It is not wrong to want to understand how the knowledge to use it was generated. It is not wrong that you don't want to deny one paradigm in favor of another one, but to see the truth in both of them.
It is important that you distinguish the reasons why the paradigms clash when they do. When is it because of a gap in the ability of the paradigm to consider something, and when is it because the knowledge is just not reached yet?
You are in a unique position, and you have a unique role in manifesting or bringing forth understanding.
(me) but don't you already have this understanding? Aren't you God? Can't you just give it to me? Why are you buttering me up?
(MFGH) yes, we do have the understanding, and yes, we can give it to you, and we will. You are the fulfillment of our understanding, don't you see that? We cannot manifest our understanding virtually. We have to have a (human) receptacle, a human co-creator, a human intelligence. The understanding does not exist "out there in the ethers" waiting for us to give it to you. It is unpacked, given life, given form, in your experience.
You are like our committed listener on the topic, or maybe a therapist. You help us bring it from latency to completion.
(me) mumble mumble grr grr
(MFGH) this is why it is important for you to talk to others who are in your position. And to stay with the folks at The Icarus Project. You are building knowledge, yes indeed-y, you are breaking new ground.
(me) well this is in part why I get so irritated with other people who are telling me the truth about things, especially bipolar, who have no experience with it. Or who deny the understandings of Western Science.
(MFGH) the point we are trying to make is that you are not wrong, in fact, your skepticism about non-Wstern medicine and insistence that it has something to offer is in fact valuable to us, as well as to creation. It may be a long time before this has wider impact, but as long as it helps you, then we are making progress.
(me) okay then explain to me about GABA [a neurotransmitter that is related to manifesting the symptoms of bipolar]. What is the OC of it? What does it have to do with denial spirits, Lucifer, etc.?
(MFGH) GABA isn't "causal," but it is closer to the cause. It is a primary symptom of its OC that has many consequences. The normal paradigm is to say that GABA levels cause bipolar, therefore this is how to solve the problem But GABA is also the "means" to the symptoms you experience as bipolar. In other words, if you look at it from another paradigm that says emotions are causal (to put it simply) you get a different question. That might be "what would need to go wrong in order to get these experiences ("symptoms") to happen in someone's life?" the answer would be to change the levels of GABA and the other neurotransmitters.
It is kind of like the argument over whether the Sun or the Earth is causal in the radiation that causes problems on the Earth. You could look at it from both sides, (i.e. it comes from the Sun vs. the Earth magnetizes it) and create strong arguments for both sides, but it doesn't mean that you have to pick one or the other. Each sees the "truth" from its point of view. And each side doesn't appreciate having its point of view denied by the other.
It might be helpful to understand Body's role in manifesting the Truth about the relationship of Spirit to Will, as well as the History of Experience that the particular essence is holding. You have to trace it back to its evolutionary OC.
We are not done with the story. We need to set certain fundamental building blocks into place. There is much more that needs to be explained about the relationship of consciousness and brain and mind and emotions. There is more that needs to be understood about Indigo's role in this. Why did the brain locate itself in the heart of the upper chakras? Why not a brain located in the hips, like a dinosaur?
There is a lot of lower-chakra blaming rage at the brain. There is a backlash that says that the brain is not causal to our experience! Just like you have rage that says the brain is causal!
All of this has to be untangled in order to get at the "truth" of causality. The charges have to be gotten through. And this does not mean that the charges are wrong, it is just that until the various points of view have their say, their release, they cannot enlarge their understanding.
A more subtle level of the above charges are the question of perpetration. From the lower chakra perspectives, anything upper is causal in terms of perpetration. But they do not want to say that life comes from the brain, because to them, this feels like a denial of their role in creation. They do not want to say that the manifested form of the problem is causal, that Body is causal. This gets Spirit off the hook. They are sick and tired of the answers to life's questions coming from the Spirit/Mind perspective. They are sick of Spirit/Mind telling them that they are causal to their own problems.
Each upper chakra has its own relationship to Brain and Spirit and Mind. And remember, we are speaking in generalities to lay out the territory, not defining the truth of any one experience.
Purple that aligned with Spirit feels frustrated when the Brain won't receive its input (inspiration). But Purple has had a huge impact on the judgments held in Mind for many people, depending on their polarizations. That is often how Purple is received.
Blue wants to control the Brain, and has many Mind control techniques to offer to gain and maintain power, especially over the lower chakra's input. Inspiration is okay, as long as it furthers the Blue agenda.
Indigo… well this is more tricky to explain…
Let us start with the role of the eyes and ears in the brain and mind.
The eyes are the sensory organ of the brain (along with the pituitary gland) and they transmit Light into electro-chemical impulses. The ears do the same with Vibration (along with the skull).
As you know, perception is a multi-step process of making meaning out of these impulses. Your mind is like the projector that is necessary to make a can of film come to life. The film (recorded experience) does not change, it does not appear or disappear, but it has no relevance, no contribution until it is fed through the mind. The mind is necessary for the film to come to life.
The other elements that are necessary are time/process (moving the film through the projector one frame at a time), light to illuminate the film, and the screen to reflect the light back to the viewer.
The sound track has a parallel set of necessities for it to be heard—time/process, the amplifier, the speaker, the air that it vibrates, and the ear drum which receives the vibration.
The mind is all of these processes in total, while the brain is the mechanical parts of it within the body. The mind "makes sense" of what happens in the mechanical processes, and includes the "reality screen" which is "perceived" by the brain.
The paradox for Indigo, is that the mind, the whole process of perception and meaning-making is greater than Indigo, but also resides within it.
This is in part because of the history of Creation. If Purple and Blue hadn't gapped, the Mind would be more integrated into the whole upper chakra spectrum (not to mention the lower chakra spectrum). But as it happened, the Place that would hold and receive Mind, the "neutral territory" was Indigo.
If the connections between the other Chakras and Indigo was stronger, Mind would be a much broader experience. Indigo's true gifts would be realized, and it would also be able to incorporate the gifts from the lower chakras much more easily.
We talked recently of the Indigo-Green-Orange Heart-channel. If this had been allowed to develop, the experience of Mind would be completely different. Essentially, Mind would not be located in the upper chakras. It would be an integrative function of all of the chakras.
Body and Mind would not be the dichotomy that they are today. Mind would be much more identified with Heart, with Balance and with Integration.
So part of the Lower Chakra objections about the primacy of mind is an objection to the primacy of the upper-chakra orientation of mind.
In men, the split between their "upper head" and their "lower head" is often made fun of, but this is pointing to a real split, and a real condition that needs healing. In women, the split is between women who allow their "lower head (brain)" to even manifest and those that do not. The Virgin-Whore split. There is no conceptualization that those that do allow for the lower brain could integrate it with their upper brains.
And the ones that do allow their lower brain to have some presence are to be controlled by the males. Females allowing their lower brain to make decisions for the species are very threatening to the males.
They are threatening to the other females as well. For those that do have lower brain presence, there is competition, and for those that do not, there is condemnation.
A big part of the problem in integrating the upper and lower brains, is the loss of the Central Heart.
Here we have collapsed the distinctions of "mind" and "brain" and "head" because of the common vernacular, but we think you get the idea.
When Indigo manifest in the Second Creation, there was no understanding or reality that the Fourth Creation, Green, or the Sixth Creation, Orange, would not manifest in full ("correctly" or per plan). Well this is not exactly true, but the point is, there was no accommodation made that the future Creations would not go according to Plan, or that the Plan might need to be changed. So Indigo manifested Mind as best it could, with the expectation that this was just the first "third" of the equation, without any idea that this would end up being the essence that would have to hold the entire function of Mind.
This ended up being a pretty heavy burden for Indigo. It was required to do much more than it's original form could handle. It did not have the input or support from the rest of the Heart Channel.
And this is also why Indigo could be so unbalanced. Essentially it "forgot" that it was not meant to be the Mind/Brain center in isolation. Parts of it were happy to have this role as it gave it power in relationship to the rest of the chakras. Parts of it felt very victimized, but didn't really understand why. Parts of it held a lot of resentment at having to carry the load for the whole Body. Parts of it ended up being "overresponsible" for the situation. Parts of it thought that it must have done something wrong to end up in this predicament. And parts of it broke down under the stress of the situation.
Indigo has a long history of feeling like it's contribution could help, if only others would receive it, but also an unwillingness to share its contribution, because others didn't receive it. To the outsiders, Indigo is a very frustrating presence—they feel its judgments that things are not unfolding correctly, but without any helpful feedback or constructive criticism. This only contributes to their inability to receive Indigo, because they have backed up rage that Indigo needs to receive but hasn't.
All sides can help if they move their feelings privately, but ultimately, there needs to be an expression of their points of view to each other. Once Indigo accepts and processes its own victimization, it can receive the feelings from those that it impacted—how it's actions ended up impacting creation.
Indigo has confusion about power—it seems to have a lot of power on the one hand, but also very little power on the other. The situation is very unbalanced. It seems to "prey" on those that admit their need for Indigo's input—psychics that milk hundreds of dollars from their dependent and even addicted clients—to compensate for the loss of status that it has in the mainstream.
Indigo has been very afraid of its power—in part because of the questions of the role of envisioning in manifesting the future—but it has also felt hugely denied in that it's input has been either diminished or "interpreted" to forward the agenda of the interpreter.
Take the "Revelations" in the Bible for example… These have been reified, and then analyzed and interpreted and used as evidence for various other points of view. You very rarely have an Indigo analysis of the words.
On the one hand, Indigo is happy that it has at least some influence on current events… it has some acknowledgement that it has a right place… but it hasn't been able to present it's critique on the message because the ones that actually have the power and want the message to work in their favor do not want Indigo to rock the boat.
And Heaven Forbid that everyone activate their Own Indigo! That would blow the power-mongers out of the water. So Revelations is giving its place in the Church Teachings, but the power to receive revelations (i.e. channeling) is called the work of the Devil. It is only the Church that can interpret what is received, it is only the Church that can declare any particular Revelation as "sanctioned" and "safe" to listen to.
There is a lot of cynicism in Indigo. This has to be broken down into its constituent parts of rage, frustration, resentment, fear, despair, and grief. Cynicism is an orientation that feels less threatening than actually experiencing the other feelings, but it is not a loving experience for the one that feels it or the ones that receive it. It is a stuck place, and will not take you to where you want to go.
(me) wow, thank you. I hope I can integrate this into my own process.
(MFGH) we have not doubt that you will. Just move in response.
