The OC of Lucifer

2006-12-20

[Note on abbreviations: FOM = Father of Manifestation, HS = Heart Son, HD = Heart Daughter, PW = Purple Woman, BW = Blue Woman, OH = Original Heart]

(me) MFGH? I have a question about how Blue Woman/the Third Creation emerged. Intellectually I feel like I must be involved in this organism, but I have not connected with this.

(MFGH) Lucifer comes into play, here. This is partly why the Third Creation was unloving.

(me) are you saying I am parental to Blue Woman?

(MFGH) we do not want you to misfire with your triggers here.

[snipped a digression]

(MFGH) In the First Creation (Purple), all the Parts experienced opposition for the first time. They all experienced rivals for what they wanted. God vs FOM, both of them vs HS, Mother vs HD, all the HDs vs PW… so the competitive, win or loose feelings that came up around these experiences go way back, all the way back to the beginning. That is why they are called "primitive" by some, and yet their "refined" competition is just a different form of the same thing. Everybody has these feelings, and many have shame about them. In fact, the place that they have the most acceptance is in Body and in Blue. (Think of the "healthy competition" that is literally the foundation of business and sports.)

Many of you have judged these feelings as wrong, and have pushed them into these realms, or your denied feelings have found a home there, which has increased their presence there. It also increases the power in these realms, which has been abused.

There were also internal splits within each Part; especially the growing polarization between terror and rage in response to what they were encountering. We did not really understand emotions or emotional processes. The impulses seemed very discreet [as in separate]. We were encountering differentiation for the first time, and we did not have the distinctions between the differentiation that was—there is no word for this in English—"functional" or "formal" or "structural" or "planned" and the differentiations that were just the flow of experience; this feeling or that response or the perceptions of the unfoldment of evolution—what we have been calling fragmentation. So when rage wanted to go, it felt that it was a separate entity that had its own place, and we had no reason to doubt it.

Terror was a different situation, it did not want to go, it wanted to cling to us in fact, but we wanted it to go, and so justified our denial of it (when we were conscious of this decision) by saying that it was not a part of us.

Out of this context, Lucifer was born. He was totally unexpected in terms of the plans of Original Heart. We did not, as we discovered later, really exhaust all possibilities in our experimentations in OH. We did not know the pain that the Will would experience in separation, we did not know the resentment that would come up in response to separation—in fact, this was our Fatal Flaw. We had no anticipation of the feelings that would become Lucifer, and so there was no "plan" that would allow us to accept these feelings and prevent his manifestation in the first place.

The light end of the electro-magnetic specturm in OH that was the fastest wanted to push past the absolutes of the "speed of light" and on into infinity. From its point of view, why should speed ever have a limit? Why should expansion ever stop? Why should it be concerned with staying connected to the whole?

And on some level, this aspect is still accelerating. In fact, this is hard to put into words, but all of the intention to accelerate is continuing to act on our universe—this is the force of expansion, that has allowed our universe to increase in size, infinitely. The Will has "had to" open space for this expansion, and Body has "had to" fill it with manifestation.

So imagine that there is a continuum of speeds… from intention that wanted to go infinitely fast, through intention that wanted to go almost infinitely fast (which really means, this was the first position there are limits, because anything less than infinite had a finite speed); through intention that wanted to go very fast, then fast, then less than fast, then slower, etc.

If you can imagine the spectrum as a line, with the fastest end pulling ahead (and pushing out the leading "edge" of the universe in the process); and drawing out the almost infinitely fast, and this intention pulling out the very fast speed, and so on down the line.

And then you need to imagine the speed "next slowest to infinity" (which is the infinitely large rate of speed minus the infinitely small rate of speed)… and there you have the actual edge of the universe, because infinitely fast is already—"to infinity" (edgeless). In your terms, infinately fast is what is known as "possibility." Also "the future."

So, to understand Lucifer's experience… he is the farthest end of the desire to go infinitely fast… but to manifest being, he had to be limited…so when he reached the edge of the universe, he experienced his original frustration… that he had limits… he "hit the wall" so to speak… and this enraged him. And this rage imprinted him, shaped him… and wanted to destroy anything that limited him…

He is the manifestation of that which does not want to be "held back and down"… that is his anathema… and so he "aligned" with FOM/Blue's rage there… but you could also say he was the Original Cause of it on a different layer of the cake…

For why is being held back and down so ultimately disturbing to Blue? This is, in fact, one of the "accidental" artifacts of the unfoldment of creation.

When Lucifer hit the wall, he began his long, long journey back…but this is getting ahead of the story. We have said that began his journey in the orgasm in Blue. But to fully understand why this orgasm was so unloving, we have to go back even further, to the First Creation orgasm in Purple that created the Second Creation (Indigo). (Note: this is different from the Seventh Creation reenactment of it that is portrayed in the Books.)

To set the scene, we'll go back to the Yin Yang symbol. Purple has already been created. Some of the Will essence is within the Light--the PW/HD "dot" in the light. The rest is still in the darkness, except for its "dot" of light within it (the HS that bonded with the Mother early on). The two dots are connected by a wormhole (aka the remnant of OH, Grandfather's intention, Heart's mission, Grace).

In simple terms, "sex" begins to occur when the Mother essence starts to rise through the wormhole towards the Light. PW is at the "top" of this wormhole or "Mother tube." The Mother's magnetism begins to draw the Light towards the Mothertube—towards PW. The Light goes into the Mothertube through the PW. Then a Bridge begins to be manifested by the Father of Manifestation following the incipient "shape" of the situation through the Mothertube—if this is looking like male and female body parts, you are not wrong. The reconnection between the Light and the Will that begins to happen results in the "explosive" orgasm that creates more…well…creation.

The Will expands space…the sphere enlarges… and the next available Light on the spectrum fills it… in this case, a core of purple surrounded by a shere of indigo… and indigo has its first experience of being "lost in space"… as it rushes out into the void in all directions and leaves the space/form of the previous creation behind… manifestation streaming out behind it…

This experience both triggers and imprints the Light and all of Manifestation there—all of the Second Creation—all of Indigo, in other words…

We won't go into this in detail now, but will mention these impressions in the Light (we will leave it to you to determine your own judgments and imprints here):

I forgive myself for judging and believing for so long that:

• I am lost (when I am) in the dark.
• Going forward means loosing my way.
• Expansion means confronting nothingness.
• I am empty/Growing means I will be left with an emptiness inside.
• I wish I could have stayed in my comfort zone/I shouldn't have ventured forth.
• I want to return to my reverie/I want to crawl back into the "womb."
• Everywhere I look, I see darkness/I can't see the future.
• The plan is not the same as the experience.
• If the plan is not the same as the experience, the plan must have been wrong.
• If the plan is not the same as the experience, I must be doing it wrong.
• I shouldn't have had that orgasm.
• I can't control what I have manifested.
• I shouldn't be so powerful.
• I can't handle my creation.
• Desire is the source of my problems/desire is wrong.
• Sex is the source of my problems/sex is wrong.
• Manifestation is the source of my problems/manifestation is wrong.

(me) I am getting glimpses of a lot more that I want to record:

• Indigo judgment: I shouldn't have been born.
• Lucifer at the edge of the universe—disturbed the Asuras
• Will judgment: every time I try to go for what I want, part of me gets left behind
• Lucifer had presence in (sex with?) Indigo
• the unloving light flowed (?) into Blue
• Blue's desire to expand came from two sources: Luciferian light and Body's emerging consciousness of its power to manifest (?)
• limits looked like Death—the opposite of life
• the Asuras showed up in Indigo and caused death in Blue
• Green's response was reactionary… "pro love"

[to be continued--I'm not sure when.]

Indigo

2006-12-19

[I started with a brief discussion of my vision for the heartofindigo.com website, and how it was hard to wait.]

(me) its hard for me to have patience and allow things to unfold in "right time." Hey I just got that "right time" is like following the Tao.

(MFGH) yes. Right time is not like an appointment on the calendar that you have to wait to get to. It is matching the pace of the unfoldment… balancing speed and slowness, not rushing the will but not stopping it either…

Part of our problems in the beginning was our different speeds. In a sense, in the explosion of Original Heart, the Will had to slow down and nearly stop to clench, while the light had to rev up past the ignition point. This was not wrong in terms allowing Matter to manifest. To say more would require you to have some physics basics in your consciousness.

(me) okay maybe when I get a chance to do some reading we can come back to this.

(MFGH) it is important that this earliest of stories gets told as well, so anything that you could do to facilitate this would be welcome.

(me) wasn't the story in the Indigo book a Seventh Creation reenactment of the First Creation story?

(MFGH) if you insist on a linear time line, then yes. But at this level of reality, "time" is more like nested spheres of influence. The Macro and Microcosms were already present. So what was happening in the microcosm of the First Creation was also happening in the macrocosm of the Seventh Creation. We put it this way, because each subsequent creation was bigger, and embraced the previous creations. This is because more and more Will presence was entering into a relationship with the Light. More space was opened for Form to manifest with each iteration.

Allow your understanding to unfold with time. You cannot really "get" it when it is a concept. It has to be activated in your own experience.

It is analogous to your own energy body.

(me) I don't understand why it is flipped around, though. My understanding is in our energy bodies the Red sphere is the smallest.

(MFGH) yes, because you are in the Seventh Creation now. At this level, it is easier to start with the vessel, the seed of Body. Your Earthly parents were whole Seventh Creation beings, while at the beginning we were not that yet, nor did we have parents.

(me) I have so much curiosity about the Second Creation. I have gotten glimpses but it seems like such a big gap in the story. And why would "night" come after purple? Why did Indigo hide?

(MFGH) Indigo "saw" what happened in the First Creation. It was the first time that we had actual Manifestation to observe and learn from. You could say that Indigo was scarred by what it saw. And decided the route that the Parts took there was "not for me!" And so it reversed on itself and went into hiding. Reversed is not the quite word. We would say went "inside out" except it was more like "outside in and inside in too." It went deep, silent, underground, so to speak.

On another layer, Indigo was born from the orgasm in Purple. In this orgasm, there was enough will presence to manifest the spectrum of my light that is next to purple—indigo. Indigo was the beginning of reflecting on something—and also, of understanding reflections. Indigo had intimate knowledge of the beginnings of things, and this helps it understand.

Indigo also was the beginning of questioning the assumptions we made in Original Heart. The primary one was that things would unfold as we "envisioned" they would. Indigo carried the dream/blueprint in a "visual" form. All of the colors carry it, but each in their own way.

One of the important differences between Indigo and Blue is that Blue was the beginning of "voice." So in manifestation, the pattern is the Divine Inspiration, the Vision, and then Speaking the Vision.

Having a voice enabled Blue to "vibrate itself." It had an ability to shape manifestation with its vibratory power and draw to it what it wanted. This is part of why FOM was drawn to it. There was the possibility of intention in Blue that wasn't yet possible in Indigo. So Blue Woman could say with confidence "Come here Big Boy" to FOM and let him know that she could give him what he wanted because she could be an active participant. She could intend, and then manifest her intention.

The unfortunate consequence of Blue manifesting before Green, is that Blue did not have the heart presence to know to manifest something loving. It had desire without heart—which amounts to "power over" others, instead of "being empowered and empowering."

FOM did not have the Heart presence then either. This was in part because he did not "exist" in the same ways that the rest of us did in Original Heart. He was the longed for, yet completely unknown, part of the creation process. He did not "carry the blueprint/dream" in the same way that other parts did. You could say that he was the blueprint/dream, in that everything he did imprinted creation and manifested the dream.

To switch perspectives for a moment, you also need to consider what was happening for the rest of the Will that was not yet communing with the Light or manifesting her desires. She was lost to the rest of us. We were lost to her. She was drawing us to her through the part of her that was at the end of the wormhole begtween her and the light—what we have called "Daughter Heart." The "dot" of Yin in the Yang side. She was like a force at the other end of the worm hole, drawing us to the opening so that we could go down through DH into her. She was also trying to rise up through the wormhole to receive us.

In the Second Creation, Indigo "knew" that the Will was going to have problems now. It understood that this pattern of creating a little bit at a time with a little bit of Will at a time was not such a good idea after all. It could "foresee" how this problem was going to unfold in each subsequent creation, when only a part of the Will was going to join Manifestation at a time. It could visualize the blueprint/dream, and could also visualize the probable actual unfoldment. And it did not look good.

This gap was very distressing to Indigo, as you can well imagine. This was the first "understanding" of "gap," although Indigo had no clue what to do about it, or even how to communicate it to the rest of us. We did not have any knowledge that we should be looking to Indigo for this kind of information, or how to use it once we had it, for that matter. There was not even a coherent "us" to communicate to.

So Indigo had the makings of its first internal gap—the side that polarized to the dream (what we wanted to happen), and the side that polarized to the "truth" (what would actually happen). The "dreamers" and the "realists" have been at odds with each other ever since. In actuality, for Indigo to fulfill its function, it needs to have both sides present and cross referencing each other, but this has not always happened. But in another way this is not wrong, in that it was the beginning of binocular vision—seeing things from two slightly separated points of view gives you a depth of understanding.

Indigo also had the first awareness (perception) of the "invisible" connection between "lost will" and manifestation—the "worm holes." This is a big contributor to Indigo's "psychic powers." To Indigo, it is not mysterious. It is simply seeing the "web" and understanding how various parts are connected and influence each other. This ability to see relationships as a whole is part of what you call "right brain" understanding.

And remember, you all have an indigo chakra, and so have the potential for these gifts. But with the gifts comes the knowledge of pain in the rest of creation, and this can be very distressing.

thank you. What about the orgasm that brought forth the Third Creation? Did Indigo have sex with FOM?

no. Indigo is a tertiary color. This means that it is comprised of a primary (blue) and secondary (purple) color. It is the only tertiary color in the Chakra Rainbow—blue-violet. In fact, you could say that it has presence when blue-green, yellow-green, orange-yellow, and red-orange do not. Notice that these colors do not even have their own name.

All of these colors are in the "background" of the Chakra Rainbow, and each of them has issues about that. This is a whole other area of exploration that we will save for another time. But they have a role in connecting each Chakra, and many who have not found their "home color," or could not decide between two, may discover that they are in this category.

Thank you. I think this is all I can handle right now.

chakra cords

2006-12-18

Dear MFGH,

I just noticed in the yoga practice we are focusing on the heart (4th chakra), while in the martial arts practice we focused on the hara (2nd chakra). It seems like it would be good to balance out the upper body emphasis with a lower body emphasis. Although in yoga the breath originates from the abdomen, so that probably helps.

I am also feeling a bit of excitement when I feel like I am tuning into my personal stream of grace and Aurum is present. It’s a little like feeling in love. Then I was trying to tune in to the greater streams of Grace… and I felt like that would be even more powerful… and that that would be a manifestation of right time and place to do magic…

And another interesting thing about it is that Grace seems to have a front/back flow, in addition to the up and down tubular flow of the Great Circulation… I wonder if the "network" flow is forward and back…

(MFGH) yes, that is generally how the cords work. Out from particular chakras in a horizontal fashion, but it can come out in 360 degrees, not just forwards and backwards. Your human fragments and connected people are on the same physical plain as you are, so the cords are parallel to the ground. Well it is really a sphere, so not literally parallel.

Lines to essence on other planes may go out in any direction.

And you are right that being in the stream of Grace, at whatever level, is an aspect of magic. It is the source of synchronicity.

You also have to "be here now" to be in your stream of Grace. So it is good for centering yourself and also why meditation and other practices that bring you into the present moment feel good and even have a magical quality.

As we said before there are many ways to conceptualize it. The Taoists practiced being in the flow in every moment. Artists of all kinds seek this flow. It is also why sometimes you want to keep channeling during a session. It is the source of creativity, and how the Muses communicate with you.

It is also how you get to the feeling of "Oneness" with the universe, which is an Infinitely fine Web.

All chakras have their own connection with their own levels of the web, but the web is often associated with Indigo because indigo can "see" it. But you can perceive it in other ways as well. You can feel the "tug" of the web in your heart (where the phrase "pulling on your heart strings" comes from), in your gut, or even sexually. You can have a "meeting of the minds."

These cords can be functional or dysfunctional. And you can (theoretically) add them or subtract them. People in close relationships have multiple cords, chakra to chakra. They can be more or less conscious of them and of the "agreements" they made when they made the connection. These agreements can last between lives, and the cords are how you find each other in subsequent lives.

You can release the agreements, but depending on how they were made, this can be difficult, in that it can require a certain degree of emotional intensity (movement). And if you have essence left on the other side of the cord, it will still be connected to you at the more subtle "wormhole level."

Cords are not all the same, and they also exist in different forms on different levels of reality. To really disconnect, you have to go to the causal level. You may even have to go back to earlier Creations.

Cords are essentially analogous to imprints, except they are the manifestation of what goes on between essence. They act with the force of gravity, in that they are "warps" in the fabric of space-time. Another way to say it is that they are the warp and weft OF the fabric of space-time.

But it is more important that you feel this, experience this for yourself than we talk about it. Eventually you will get to the point where you can perceive more detail about your energy body. We can also talk about decording, but the technique of it is not as important as the emotional work.

(me) thank you, this "ties" some things together for me.

Heart, Blue Woman, Purple Woman, etc.

2006-13-17

[note: this took five hours to channel, but I stuck with it cause I seemed to be on a roll...]

Dear MFGH,

I seem to have gotten a "hit" of grace… and that it is more present on the planet this time of year…

Dear Sapphire,

Yes but also the absence of it is more apparent. However people are more willing to "send" their grace to the people and fragments they are connected to.

This is why prayers can sometimes help the sick. They work best when there is some connection between people and they can actually affect the network. Even better would be to give the person tools and space to heal.

The more you let me in, the more I can understand about your situation. Like the Mother, I can also feel places of acceptance and denial in you. You still have some stubbornness about not wanting to ask for help because that would be admitting you have a problem. This is an issue for many people on Earth that goes back to the beginning.

You did not want to hear "I told you so" from me, and that was partly right, in that I had judgments against the Mother which spilled over to anyone who went to "her" Earth. You could feel those judgments and so wanted to reject my advice that leaving my realm would be fool hardy. You wanted to prove me wrong and show me that you could do it yourself.

However you went past your own fears and grief there in favor of your anger. So now you are afraid to "crack" there, because on some level it will mean having to feel those denied feelings finally. It is tied up with your fear that I was right, after all, and all of your pain and suffering could have been avoided if you had listened to me. This is a very hard place to be.

But what I want you to understand is that I now understand that it was not wrong for you to leave me. It was not your fault that you polarized to the Mother there. This is in your nature. You could not exist in Heaven without her.

And you would not have avoided you pain and suffering… it doesn't work like that. Of course we all wish we could have understood more about the Mother and her process and what she was and still is holding—our denials. You followed my example there, unfortunately. But this did not enable you to avoid your own gap.

Still the fluidity that existed on Earth then is so much greater than what exists now, even the darker reflections seem more desirable than the ones you are getting now. But what is happening now is a reenactment complete with smacks reverberating down through the ages.

For the gaps to heal, each side has to go all the way back to their original splits. This has to start with the Parental parts. They need to understand how they split with the other side, and also, how their own rage split out and is acting out their denied agenda. We know that this is familiar ground to you, but we want to say it specifically in answer to the question "how can we bring Peace to Earth?"

Heart's message of love, balance, forgiveness, etc is important, but it cannot be done without dealing with your denials.

"Turning the other cheek" is particularly misunderstood. This is in part because the Heart presence there did not understand that his own desire to hit back, etc, did not stop existing just because he did not feel it or express it.

But if you integrate our new understandings, it can mean "move by yourself in private" instead of lashing out at your trigger.

One problem with Heart-polarized people is that they judge the ones doing the violence as wrong, immature, unevolved, etc. They miss the part about how their own denied violence is empowering the conflict.

(me) I just got a sinking feeling that my own denied violence is being dumped into people like S, who can barely handle it. Plus my own denied pain. Is she my fragment?

(God) yes she has some of your denials, but no she is not your fragment. She is a Mother piece. But notice the subtle judgments you have against her. What are they?

(me) I think that there is something wrong with her. She is doing something wrong. She shouldn't be so angry. Why is there always conflict around her? Why can't she get her pain meds? It makes me angry. I guess I am denying my own true response. In the name of trying to accept her and sooth her.

(God) You can do both. It would help her much more if you moved your response rather than "try to be nice" to her.

(me) ugh I am feeling like I am seeing a reflection of someone being a "dumping ground."

(God) you are. And all the meds in the world are not going to fix it. What will fix it is if you and everybody else reclaims their essence. That will lift the burden.

Preaching at people usually just makes it worse, because it reinforces that what they are doing is their fault, because they cannot live up to the ideals of the behavior that the people who are doing the dumping can exemplify. And preaching to those that are doing the dumping just reinforces their bad habit.

(me) I am confused because I feel like both a dumper and a dumpee.

(God) yes you are both. People dumped into you but being heart you were able to still maintain your identity but loose part of your will. You've got to get your will back and allow it to release the feelings back into where they started in the first place. You don't have to be in direct contact with the person. "Give" them to me, and I will make sure they find acceptance inside of love.

And remember these are not only feelings from the "top" to the bottom, they are also feelings from the "bottom" to the top. Blue allowed some of the feelings/information from the lower chakras through them as a handy way to get rid of them, and they also had intention that they go to you, but not Purple. So you were a target in this way.

But this is a relatively small portion of what you are holding that needs to go through you. The rest of this is still trapped below Blue—Blue's rage holding down its terror. When this comes back up it is important that your channels are open and you are fluid enough to allow this through so it doesn't become a smack from below.

It is a twisted delusion of grandeur to think that you are responsible for all of the evil in the world. Even Blue Woman did not originate the smack… that originated in earlier creations. It came in through her, because of her unloving intent and desire for power that did not have any heart presence in it.

She did not understand the importance of Heart presence. In fact, she judged it as resulting in weakness, vulnerability, etc. Blue Heart people are very lost, a reflection of what happened in the beginning.

FOM had pushed most of Heart out already, except that which aligned with him. What remained in Purple was also brushed aside.

We knew we had a preference for feeling better, which is the beginnings of love, but we did not understand how to feel better. We did not understand that making connections that had a two way flow with feedback that adjusted each side to the other would feel good. We did not understand our own needs, let alone each other's.

Expansiveness is not wrong. Lifting and being lifted are not wrong. Its just that how they manifested turned out to only exacerbate our problems, rather than providing the relief that seemed obvious to the limited points of views involved.

We were not connected. And here Heart people have a lot of guilt about being the wrong connection, not connecting the right parts, not fulfilling their role so that the two sides do experience happiness.

Your pop culture says that children are not responsible for their parent's divorce, even though they often feel very responsible. You are supposed to tell them that they aren't responsible. But this just adds another layer of denial to the situation.

Heart is "responsible" for the connection/lack of connection in terms of its function. That is its job. And so that it was not able to do this "correctly" in the beginning does mean that it is "causal" to so many of the problems today.

But Heart cannot take all the responsibility. The other parts have to be willing to give honest feedback and receive honest feedback. We (the Parental parts) have felt very guilty about feeling that our problems were because of Heart's misfires in the beginning, and so have denied our blaming rage there. Which of course, meant that it came out in a state of denial.

All of this has to do with the confusion that Heart has about whether it is "Parental" or not. How can it be so causal if it is not parental? Why does it feel so guilty if it isn't responsible? And how is it supposed to save the world if it doesn't have the powers of Creation?

Heart needs to take its right place at the head table. It has long been sitting with the kids. (Often with an expectation that it is supposed to babysit those kids so that the "real" Parents can enjoy their dinner.) This is very threatening to some, as they fear a reenactment of the misfires in the beginning when Heart did not finish the connections and ended up as mates to the other side instead of connecting the mates.

They fear (including Heart people) that Heart can't be trusted, certainly not with "adult" responsibilities, which ultimately mean "life or death" responsibilities.

But reality is that Heart already has these responsibilities, so it is time for Heart to be given the "rights" that go along with them. Think of the 18-year-olds going off to fight the wars but not given the right to drink or vote. Think of the young parents responsible for the lives of their children. Think of the children whose parents are dead or disabled, or who are first born and responsible for their younger siblings.

All of this push-pull of "you're not old enough" and "you are responsible" goes back to the very beginning. Part of Heart put on a brave face and went ahead and played the part of the adult without really having the resources to do this well. Part of Heart said Fuck You and did what it wanted to do, without regard for the other part's needs (which is exactly what the "parental" parts were doing, anyway.)

And we blamed Heart for this, in so many ways. The Book talks about FOM's rivalry and express the Mother's rage and my rage, but we also need to take responsibility for… [I got this but it is hard for me to retain and put into words] our judgments about Heart that said it was not equal to us, therefore did not have input that was as important as our own input… we trivialized Heart as secondary, which meant secondary to the healing process.

Despite what the Mother and her rage said, we cannot heal as a whole without all of Heart healing along with us. Daughter's participation is not "optional." She is a vital part of the whole, and we cannot manifest the plan/dream without her. To parts of us, she seemed so causal to our problems, that we felt it would have been better for us if she was out of the picture. Literally if she "had not been born."

So this is part of DH's problem. Not only was she not to be first-born, but after she was born, she was given the impression that Creation would be better without her. This was especially confusing to the part of HD that was raped by the Father.

(me) I suddenly feel like I could channel Purple Woman/Purple Daughter's point of view of the beginning. But I am scared that it won't be validated by "matching" C's channeling of the situation.

(God) just let it flow… this will help Her work out her kinks…

(PW) No one has talked about my Emergence… but I was the very First. This is not wrong and I am sick of everybody telling me that it was. I had to draw the Light. I did not know that this would also create Manifestation (Body) (FOM), although the Mother did have a Lover in "mind". I am extremely sensitive, so the violence of my first encounters in manifestation was very devastating to me. It was like taking a steamroller to a butterfly.

In my Original Creation (I know I am not supposed to say "my" creation, but there it is) I was what you would call "etheric." Fine, delicate, responsive, soft, even tender. Like the skin of a newborn. I was the original newborn.

I was the original "twinkle in my Father's eye" that existed even before the Mother was "pregnant" with me. I am like the first "glance across the crowded room" that lets you know that a future is possible with the other person. Following me is following Grace.

In fact, you could say that I am the indicator of Grace's path… I am the first stirrings of desire, of fantasy… I exist in Dreams… I am "perfection"… "above" the toils of "life on Earth." I am the Princess in Fairy Tales. Walt Disney has taken me over in your popular culture, but he was not so far off.

And there is a huge Split in me. On the one hand, I am "above" the "sinful desires of Body" but on the other hand I am the epitome of what triggers those desires. I am the unobtainable beauty that every high school boy fantasizes about… and these fantasies involve fucking, if I may tell it like it is.

I am also the original daughter sexually abused by her Father, Grandfather, Uncle, Brother, Cousin… because I had everything that my Mother had to offer, only in a "purer" form…

I am the distillation of the Mother's sweetness, grace, and femininity… I am the ideal that every little girl dreams she will embody when she grows up.

I SEEM to "have it all…" but there is a very dark side to my experience. My original encounter with lovemaking was rape. Rape and murder, if the truth be told. You cannot rip out someone's womb and expect them to live. The Mother denied me here, and said it was Her womb, as if she was the only one who experienced the pain… but it was Me who died the original death here… and this has been reenacted endlessly… Jack the Ripper… hysterectomies… cervical and ovarian cancer…

Men want my "perfection" but with the "come on" of Blue Woman… She took one look at what happened to me, and thought she had a better solution… she judged me for not having "what it took" to please her man… we did not understand that she already had the Mother presence going "through" her in the Mother's original Ascent… and so could please her man more than I could.

The Mother's rage has made a big deal about my denial of the Mother there… as if I had schemed it all out ahead of time… Yes I had consciousness before my Sisters… but I did not have the sophistication that comes with experience… there WAS no experience before me… (unless you count Original Heart, and that was a totally different picture of how my emergence was to unfold.)

I was just on a mission… Yes there was a sense of competition… but that did not come from Me… I was SUPPOSED to be first… the others were jealous… THEY were the ones feeling competitive with me…

The big question is "what did I know" when I left the Mother… which implies "what was my intent"… which is all about blame, if you really look at it… and yes, I have had HUGE blame for myself, which opened the door to such blaming reflections…

In order to answer this, I need to explain about how the First Creation manifested… the first one after Original Heart split apart…

I will summarize the beginning parts, as they are available elsewhere.

You could say that I was the "black dot" in the Yin-Yang symbol… I was the will presence that stayed with the Light after the initial split within Original Heart between Spirit and Will that the symbol represents… I basically woke up Spirit from his Reverie… I had the original Desire for Reunion, which to the Will side means Life…

It gets complicated, but on one layer of the cake you could say that I did consummate my union with Male Heart… I was integrated into the Light…

On another layer, you could say that I was the ultimate denier of the Will Side… as I felt myself to be whole and complete, and did not want to "let any other will presence in"… I put this in quotes, because I understand that this is how it looked from the outside… but from the inside, it felt like that pressure from the outside would violate my integrity, my "personhood" as you would conceptualize it…

The Yin-Yang model describes a boundary, a barrier between the Light and the Dark… which is helpful, but another way to conceptualize it would be that the Dark side was at a great distance, and the only thing that connected us was the Wormhole that is also the Thread of Grace that kept the two sides from being lost to each other forever.

And I felt the Will essence coming up "through" the wormhole to me… but of course I did not recognize this for what it was… the rest of Me… it was SO much bigger than me… it was like I was a grain of sand, and it was the ocean… and this was supposed to come up into and through me??? I didn't understand the "through me" part… I didn't understand that the Light was where it could go, and the light was infinitely expandable… I thought that it was ME that would have to expand…

Of course all of this is not on the word level… it was just "instinct"… which means, that it was the imprints left over from the First Split, which was violent, indeed…

In fact, if you look at the first split (the Will essence squeezing down in a sphere around the Spirit essence, and the Spirit essence exploding) you can understand my trepidation about anything big inside of me trying to get out. So my "instinctual" reaction was to "clamp down"…

And the instinct behind FOM's behavior there was a desire to connect to what I was clamping down on… He was trying to build a physical bridge across the gap… along the lines of the wormhole… which was part of the reason that penis took the form it did… to reach across…

and so I was also echoing the creation of the Original Forms… as the Kundalini did not rise all the way up through me… and so the connection between the sexes was made at the second chakra level… instead of through the heart…

I am talking about the First Creation, but of its manifestation in several dimensions of "levels" of reality as you call it. So as I shift from dimension to dimension, I will leave it to you to draw the connections between them, as that cannot really be done in written language…

So there was "supposed to" be an increase of Will presence in the Light… the black dot was supposed to get bigger, and actually, mix with the light to become grey… but instead, we have the five players acting out their original imprints already… when we were planning in Original Heart we had no understanding of imprints, nothing "stuck" when it happened as we were not manifest… we did not know that this would happen…

so to spell it out, I was operating under two main impulses… one was to bond with the light… the other was to clench… Spirit's impulse was [hard to get, it’s a totally different perspective] to go towards what felt good, and deny what felt bad (the essence on the other side of the wormhole was in pain)… Body's impulse was to "manifest" the universe, which drove him to procreate—procreation is what felt good to him… Male Heart's impulse was to… do whatever it took to "win" me… many Quests were launched in this scenario… The Mother wanted to reach the Light of course, in anyway she could…

And as she flowed up the wormhole towards Me in the story that you know… there was a "Knowing" from the Second Creation (Indigo) that was present "before" this creation was even manifested—this is what happens when you don't have linear time yet—in other words, Indigo's "prescience"… in the First Creation version of the story that I am telling now…

The Mother's presence drawing near was very powerful… much more powerful than she was aware of… she stirred everything to Life… she was magnetizing Light, she was giving Manifestation the Space to unfold into… this built and built… until there was the tearing, explosive Orgasm that birthed the Second Creation…

But that is another story, and the channeler has to stop now…

fragmentation and identity

2006-12-15

[note: this refers to the previous post.]

Dear MFGH,

Thanks for yesterday's channeling. I feel more secure. I am questioning how I could be a fairy that fragmented out of the Mother? in Pan and also Indigo. And also how I could have gone up? Was I with the Mother in the beginning stories? Or did I go back into her?

The question of identity as usual.

Dear Sapphire,

Remember the new model of identity that we are building. There were splits in your core early on, and yes, some of them went with the Mother and some went with the Father. Some went with Spirit and some with Heart. So yes, you do have presence in many stories and scenarios.

You are not one "dot" traveling through space along a storyline. You are many dots traveling along many storylines. Sometimes your essence merged back together, sometimes new splits arose. You are the Parental aspect of your essence. Which means you have the power and responsibility to bring all of yourself back together.

The Books were written as if there was one identity along one linear path, but as we said many times, we were limited by language and your individual perspective of storyline. Unfortunately, in group settings, there is a strong tendency to identify each individual as one thing, one role in the group story.

As individuals, however, most people experience the multiplicity of lives and perspectives. And many times they feel safe to share this in pairs and small groups.

So the question you have asked many times: "how could I be both X and Y" is answered by the understanding of fragmentation.

Now there is more than one "I" that we are talking about here: your Parental story and the parallel paths that your fragments took. "You" (parental you) do have one storyline, and that is the one that you are so desperate to find and claim and have validated externally. But other people have felt "you" in your fragments, so they have not validated the story that you want to claim.

Each of us is faced with the same issue that God faced: exclaiming "that's not me!" while everybody else is in shock because of 1) his behavior and 2) his denial (apparently sincere) that he never did anything of the sort!

So yes, you have perp essence to bring back in.

This is where the GC version of wholeness overlaps with the RU version of wholeness. We all have fragmentation all over the place. And basically, our reflections are "trying" to show us what and where it is. So you could say that everything in your venue is reflecting what you need for wholeness

(me) this is very helpful, thanks.

(MFGH) your visual of your self as fireworks is not a bad metaphor. And some of the streams have their own explosions. This is why we say that denied Greatness is such a problem. You are all diminished, to one degree or another. Many of you have gathered much of yourselves back in, thanks to your dedication to the healing process. But for reasons of guilt, for the most part, the parts of you that hold your talents, your charisma, your magic and power are often the last to come in.

In many ways this is a good progression to follow, because you need to have as much of yourselves back together in order to handle these aspects of yourself. But whenever you see a celebrity or powerful person taking their status for granted, or taking advantage of their status, or abusing their power, consider that you made a judgment about your Greatness—that is was wrong to have it and the benefits that it bestows.

Can you find any judgments?

(me) its funny, but the first celebrity I thought of was Paris Hilton, who I judge as the quintessential shallow Daughter who has nothing to contribute yet gets all the attention, money, etc. I am embarrassed for her. Which would only really make sense if I identify with her in some way. Yet she feels very foreign to me. I don't like her.

(MFGH) what are your judgments against her? Imagine that she is reflecting these judgments back to you.

(me)

I forgive myself for judging and believing for so long that:

Daughters are nothing but shallow, spoiled, greedy and selfish brats.
Daughters have nothing to offer. They are all take and no give.
Gold is pretty but has no value.
Daughters don't understand the value of things.
Daughters don't understand that you have to work.
You can't just stand around being beautiful and get money for it. Its not right.
Daddy is the source of all money.
You need a rich Daddy (Sugar or otherwise) to get any money if you are a Daughter.
If you are a beautiful, young, rich, daughter you will always have the paparazzi in your face.
Every behavior will be scrutinized.
Partying is the only thing that matters.

I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere, but these are just the thoughts that are coming to mind.

I need to stop or at least take a break.