2006-12-14
[Note: I was struggling with my channeling, especially because something didn't match what I thought others were getting.]
(MFGH) You have a unique perspective to offer—the perspective of our Light coming through you. You are our instrument. You sound a particular note. We want to hear your note. We need each person's note in order to make the symphony of life.
Don't be ashamed of your personal influence on Our words. This is part of the process. This helps us understand you, and also, understand what you are reflecting to us. Your questions, your concerns, are of value to us. We miss them when they are gone.
In the same way that you are discovering that a regular practice of meditation and channeling helps you throughout your day, it also helps us breath throughout our Creation. You have your own individual "web-consciousness" to activate; we have the entire web to nurture and travel through. The more of the threads that are opening to receive us, the more our presence can be felt on Earth.
We understand that you are doubting the healing process because of the drama unfolding in the Middle East. It is a very disturbing reflection for sure, and we are very sorry for the pain and suffering that people are enduring right now. This is not our intent. We want this gap to heal.
The gap between Blue and Red is a very serious one. It involves the gaps within Blue and Red, as well as the Blue-Purple gap. All the gaps are involved, in fact.
Now is the time for you to move into your gap and bring the denied essence there back into acceptance. Now is the time for Heart to be born in your gap. The more that this happens, the more that the global situation will ease.
We hate to say this, but it looks to us like it is going to get worse before it gets better. However, your individual situation does not have to get worse, in the sense that you will develop more capacity to ride out the healing crisis as you get more of yourself vibrating inside of Love.
This does mean that you have to act to protect yourself. If you feel moved to "head for the hills," then that is an indication that you should seriously consider that that is your right place for now. If you do not, then that is the indication that it would not be your right place.
You can't look to what other people are doing, except to use their reflections to help you get in touch with your own intuition. If they trigger you, then it is your responsibility to move it. You can't know ahead of the movement what your own "answer" will be to the questions that this crisis will bring up.
If you feel responsibility for/to the planet in general, then you probably have some responsibility there. It is important to distinguish this from guilt, which makes you feel obligated to do something that you really do not want to do. When you feel the pressure of guilt, vibrate so that we can push it on through you and out to where it belongs.
The feeling of responsibility is not something that you can vibrate, but the feelings that this brings up are ways that you can vibrate. For example, if it terrifies you that you might be responsible, then that is what you need to move. If it enrages you that you cannot control what you are responsible for, then that is where movement needs to happen.
Please give yourself permission to have totally different reactions than other people. This does not mean that one of you is wrong, and one of you is right. It just means that you have different histories and are at different moments along your path.
If you are judging someone else's response as wrong, then you need to look and see if that is reflecting your own denied response. Release the judgment, and see what comes up once that is opened up a bit.
Essence is on the move, and it is important that you are not impeding it from either coming back into you or leaving you. There is a great Unwinding going on, and so things are going to look very unsettled and chaotic. You can't pin down anything right now, as it is in a state of flux.
The violence is a function of many things. Rage in the state of denial, unloving light, feelings being held back, feelings not being received, psychopathic killer and Nazi essence (which are not the same things), and more. It is very important that you move your feelings of wanting to harm others directly, instead of allowing them to leave you and act out your feelings on essence that feels it deserves victimization. Which is often your own essence, by the way.
The Mother does need to become present in each of you. She has many gifts to offer you, but she needs your help in order to be functioning within you. In fact, her gifts are your healing process, and your healing process will manifest her gifts.
Finding your inner victim and your inner perpetrator is the order of the day right now. You may have "started" on "one side or the other," but both "sides" have the other side within them as well.
Ultimately, we are all connected, and at another layer of the cake (consciousness) we are all One.
Essence is neither gained nor lost, but time, love, space, light, and evolution are created every moment—or not. In every moment there is either more or less love, more or less space, more or less light, which results in more or less evolution.
Be on the side of healing. Be the force of evolution. Be a "maker" in the GodChannel lingo.
We need you.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
"Driving Backwards"
2006-12-11
[Note: I wrote about some confusion I was having about figuring out what to do in my life.]
Dear Sapphire,
Ah yes, the planning/action question…
(me) and the driving backwards question…
(MFGH) well the trick is to find you groove and plan "from" that. Plans are useful for events that you have to coordinate with others, and thinking through the steps and timing will help you make sure you have the time and other resources that you need. The key is to be honest with yourself in the beginning. Why are you doing the event? What parts of yourself are aligned with it, what parts aren’t? What are you accepting, what are you denying? Cause the denials are going to show up along the way, most likely. So it’s a matter of how you prefer to work. Do you want to give the car a tune up before the trip, or do you want to have break downs and tune up along the way?
You could even develop a "check in" routine to make sure all of your parts are getting a chance to bring forward your "issues."
(me) ah, that makes sense.
(MFGH) and if you are tuning up along the way (and there is no reason you can't do a combined approach) you might be able to adjust your plans accordingly. What you want to avoid are those crunches that don't allow you to process or otherwise take care of yourself. You don't want more denial out of the situation.
This is why it is so very important to make sure that guilt is not your primary motivator. Cause resentment will either come up directly or indirectly. But if it does come up, then it is an opportunity to release it. Feel the "pressure" and vibrate so that I can push it through and out of you.
Its important to keep your priorities straight. Which are higher on the list? Or maybe a better visual is: which are more central in your spheres of concern? You need to use that information when you are in the overview… its like the overview needs to trace the path of the will's desire… but you have to feel that desire in order to do this…
(me) can Aurum help me do this?
(MFGH) why don't you ask her?
(me) okay Aurum would you please speak to planning, my future, driving backwards, your role, etc?
(A) [she suggested that I do a meditation]
(me) okay one thing I noticed that I have never noticed before, is to my mind, there really is no difference between the past and the future. They both exist as mental constructs, that I have emotional reactions too. But the past has objects of perception and the future doesn't, so that is what is different between the two.
I also had a feeling that driving backwards would be like following my personal stream of Grace back to its origins—it felt like a useful practice in terms of staying in touch with my Self.
It was hard to "hold the question"—I realized that I wasn't exactly sure what my question is, except that the bottom line was the only time I could do anything about the future was "now." So I ended up with "what could I do now to help my future?" and that lead me to the concept of driving backwards.
I also saw that Aurum was virtually invisible in the now, as "now" has no dimension… I needed a past in order to see her pathway… yet I have a sense that I can "be" her in the now… right now I am getting a subtly expanded consciousness…
(A) if you can be in "network consciousness" while you plan, that will enable you to include more of yourself.
(me) I'm not sure if I know how to do network consciousness.
(A) start with your intent to be inclusive, and allow your mind to wander the world… open to whatever you get… see if you can establish a dialogue… better yet, move in response…
(me) I am getting that this is something like what my friend [who has a detailed understanding of the life histories of her parts] does.
(A) yes, she has been able to trace the streams of self… for each fragment has that stream of their own, back to the Original Self… it looks like many branches of a watershed, except the water is flowing back from the mouth of the river to smaller and smaller streams… and the flow is more powerful the closer you get back to the ocean, the source.
Bringing these streams back into One flow… is one way to approach healing… so in terms of planning, the question would be… "what actions will bring my streams back together?" "how can I be the deepest riverbed that will draw them to me?"
And know that along with bringing back your power, each fragment will also bring its problems. You may have polluted streams that you have to clean up.
(me) okay that was a bit confusing to put into words but I got the image. It was kind of shocking to think that each of my fragments has its own stream back to our origins. It really brings home its independence.
(A) well, it is a simplification. Your fragments are also connected to you, as well as to each other. Some of your fragmentation is embodied as people, and some of it more like energy flowing to other bodies/people.
(me) this is bringing up questions of leadership for me. What is my responsibility to these fragments? Should I be making plans for my self, or for all of us?
(A) your fragments will be drawn to you the more you magnetize your will. Ultimately this means following your own desire. It is like the question of "your" will vs. "divine" will. They are not in opposition. On one layer of the cake they are the same thing. To the degree that your fragments have your will essence, they will want the same thing "you" do. In many cases they were just your desires that you rejected.
In other cases you fragmented in response to trauma, and so the feelings in response to the trauma need to be received and expressed. And this will help you remember the trauma.
"Re-membering" is reconnecting with the essence involved there. You can also reconnect with the fragments that were lost their by going into the trauma and discovering where you split.
(me) it is hard for me to keep all of this present in the now. I keep feeling like I want something from you. I basically want to feel good in some way.
(A) I don't know if I am the best place to look for feeling good. However I can say that following your own destiny path feels good (except for feeling the pain of healing, of course.)
Eventually my voice will be indistinguishable from your own.
(me) okay, thank you.
[Note: I wrote about some confusion I was having about figuring out what to do in my life.]
Dear Sapphire,
Ah yes, the planning/action question…
(me) and the driving backwards question…
(MFGH) well the trick is to find you groove and plan "from" that. Plans are useful for events that you have to coordinate with others, and thinking through the steps and timing will help you make sure you have the time and other resources that you need. The key is to be honest with yourself in the beginning. Why are you doing the event? What parts of yourself are aligned with it, what parts aren’t? What are you accepting, what are you denying? Cause the denials are going to show up along the way, most likely. So it’s a matter of how you prefer to work. Do you want to give the car a tune up before the trip, or do you want to have break downs and tune up along the way?
You could even develop a "check in" routine to make sure all of your parts are getting a chance to bring forward your "issues."
(me) ah, that makes sense.
(MFGH) and if you are tuning up along the way (and there is no reason you can't do a combined approach) you might be able to adjust your plans accordingly. What you want to avoid are those crunches that don't allow you to process or otherwise take care of yourself. You don't want more denial out of the situation.
This is why it is so very important to make sure that guilt is not your primary motivator. Cause resentment will either come up directly or indirectly. But if it does come up, then it is an opportunity to release it. Feel the "pressure" and vibrate so that I can push it through and out of you.
Its important to keep your priorities straight. Which are higher on the list? Or maybe a better visual is: which are more central in your spheres of concern? You need to use that information when you are in the overview… its like the overview needs to trace the path of the will's desire… but you have to feel that desire in order to do this…
(me) can Aurum help me do this?
(MFGH) why don't you ask her?
(me) okay Aurum would you please speak to planning, my future, driving backwards, your role, etc?
(A) [she suggested that I do a meditation]
(me) okay one thing I noticed that I have never noticed before, is to my mind, there really is no difference between the past and the future. They both exist as mental constructs, that I have emotional reactions too. But the past has objects of perception and the future doesn't, so that is what is different between the two.
I also had a feeling that driving backwards would be like following my personal stream of Grace back to its origins—it felt like a useful practice in terms of staying in touch with my Self.
It was hard to "hold the question"—I realized that I wasn't exactly sure what my question is, except that the bottom line was the only time I could do anything about the future was "now." So I ended up with "what could I do now to help my future?" and that lead me to the concept of driving backwards.
I also saw that Aurum was virtually invisible in the now, as "now" has no dimension… I needed a past in order to see her pathway… yet I have a sense that I can "be" her in the now… right now I am getting a subtly expanded consciousness…
(A) if you can be in "network consciousness" while you plan, that will enable you to include more of yourself.
(me) I'm not sure if I know how to do network consciousness.
(A) start with your intent to be inclusive, and allow your mind to wander the world… open to whatever you get… see if you can establish a dialogue… better yet, move in response…
(me) I am getting that this is something like what my friend [who has a detailed understanding of the life histories of her parts] does.
(A) yes, she has been able to trace the streams of self… for each fragment has that stream of their own, back to the Original Self… it looks like many branches of a watershed, except the water is flowing back from the mouth of the river to smaller and smaller streams… and the flow is more powerful the closer you get back to the ocean, the source.
Bringing these streams back into One flow… is one way to approach healing… so in terms of planning, the question would be… "what actions will bring my streams back together?" "how can I be the deepest riverbed that will draw them to me?"
And know that along with bringing back your power, each fragment will also bring its problems. You may have polluted streams that you have to clean up.
(me) okay that was a bit confusing to put into words but I got the image. It was kind of shocking to think that each of my fragments has its own stream back to our origins. It really brings home its independence.
(A) well, it is a simplification. Your fragments are also connected to you, as well as to each other. Some of your fragmentation is embodied as people, and some of it more like energy flowing to other bodies/people.
(me) this is bringing up questions of leadership for me. What is my responsibility to these fragments? Should I be making plans for my self, or for all of us?
(A) your fragments will be drawn to you the more you magnetize your will. Ultimately this means following your own desire. It is like the question of "your" will vs. "divine" will. They are not in opposition. On one layer of the cake they are the same thing. To the degree that your fragments have your will essence, they will want the same thing "you" do. In many cases they were just your desires that you rejected.
In other cases you fragmented in response to trauma, and so the feelings in response to the trauma need to be received and expressed. And this will help you remember the trauma.
"Re-membering" is reconnecting with the essence involved there. You can also reconnect with the fragments that were lost their by going into the trauma and discovering where you split.
(me) it is hard for me to keep all of this present in the now. I keep feeling like I want something from you. I basically want to feel good in some way.
(A) I don't know if I am the best place to look for feeling good. However I can say that following your own destiny path feels good (except for feeling the pain of healing, of course.)
Eventually my voice will be indistinguishable from your own.
(me) okay, thank you.
my PTSD
2006-12-10
Dear MFGH,
I guess my biggest question is why did the violence in the movie bother me so much last night? I felt like I was being assaulted with it. And it took so long to calm down. Is this a PTSD thing? What was the "T" [trauma]?
Dear Sapphire,
You are sensitive in ways that have effected you nervous system. This is related to your brain disorder, but it is from trauma, originally. As you suspected, some of this is past-life related.
However it is also related to Indigo's position of seeing this kind of thing and not having it be believed or received, or even denied—in the worst cases Indigo was punished for seeing this. So there was a double trauma—the trauma of witnessing, and then the trauma from the consequences of speaking out.
(me) I am thinking of times when I have seen shit and not acted let alone said anything. Its very troubling.
(MFGH) yes and this is happening on a planetary scale. On one layer of the cake, the whole planet needs to acknowledge it, and say no.
(me) I can't even talk to one of my friends about Bush.
(MFGH) it is important to sort out when to act publicly and when to act privately. Each situation has its own pros and cons. The risks have to be weighed and the consequences thought through.
And the risks are different for different people. Two people could be facing identical situations, but have different essence configurations in their wills that would draw two totally different outcomes. You have to know yourself.
(me) I am having a hard time trusting our connection today.
(MFGH) yes there is an undercurrent of resentment, actually.
(me) I guess its still the stuff I was complaining about the other day. Not wanting to need you because I fear you won't be there… why is all the violence still happening???
(MFGH) the simple answer is because there is still denial… and the simple solution is for you to find your essence that is still out there and re-move the charge and call it back.
(me) yeah I know. But there is a part of me that does not trust this whole process.
(MFGH) it is important that you have your own process, and do not do someone else's process—even if that someone else is Us.
(me) oh right, [sarcastically] I do not believe that for a minute, either. that just makes me mad.
(MFGH) but you are doing your own process. This is your process.
(me) hmmmph.
My shoulders are so tight and sore. They feel like they are in a defensive position.
(MFGH) yes. You could get to some movement pretty easily if you work with your DH and do some pressure-point holding.
There is a lot of victimization held in there. You have a lot more victimization to get through. But you may find your rage along the way. Rage that got denied because it was too dangerous to express it at the time.
(me) I feel pretty stuck today so will end here. thank you.
Dear MFGH,
I guess my biggest question is why did the violence in the movie bother me so much last night? I felt like I was being assaulted with it. And it took so long to calm down. Is this a PTSD thing? What was the "T" [trauma]?
Dear Sapphire,
You are sensitive in ways that have effected you nervous system. This is related to your brain disorder, but it is from trauma, originally. As you suspected, some of this is past-life related.
However it is also related to Indigo's position of seeing this kind of thing and not having it be believed or received, or even denied—in the worst cases Indigo was punished for seeing this. So there was a double trauma—the trauma of witnessing, and then the trauma from the consequences of speaking out.
(me) I am thinking of times when I have seen shit and not acted let alone said anything. Its very troubling.
(MFGH) yes and this is happening on a planetary scale. On one layer of the cake, the whole planet needs to acknowledge it, and say no.
(me) I can't even talk to one of my friends about Bush.
(MFGH) it is important to sort out when to act publicly and when to act privately. Each situation has its own pros and cons. The risks have to be weighed and the consequences thought through.
And the risks are different for different people. Two people could be facing identical situations, but have different essence configurations in their wills that would draw two totally different outcomes. You have to know yourself.
(me) I am having a hard time trusting our connection today.
(MFGH) yes there is an undercurrent of resentment, actually.
(me) I guess its still the stuff I was complaining about the other day. Not wanting to need you because I fear you won't be there… why is all the violence still happening???
(MFGH) the simple answer is because there is still denial… and the simple solution is for you to find your essence that is still out there and re-move the charge and call it back.
(me) yeah I know. But there is a part of me that does not trust this whole process.
(MFGH) it is important that you have your own process, and do not do someone else's process—even if that someone else is Us.
(me) oh right, [sarcastically] I do not believe that for a minute, either. that just makes me mad.
(MFGH) but you are doing your own process. This is your process.
(me) hmmmph.
My shoulders are so tight and sore. They feel like they are in a defensive position.
(MFGH) yes. You could get to some movement pretty easily if you work with your DH and do some pressure-point holding.
There is a lot of victimization held in there. You have a lot more victimization to get through. But you may find your rage along the way. Rage that got denied because it was too dangerous to express it at the time.
(me) I feel pretty stuck today so will end here. thank you.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
fragmentation and the web
2006-12-07
Goodmorning MFGH,
I am feeling like asking for help today. Especially for my poor heart. Can you help me understand what is happening there? Can Aurum help me here?
(MFGH) yes Aurum can help you connect with and send loving light to your lost parts.
(me) what about the connectors between the chakras. Especially between blue and green. That seems like such a long distance.
(MFGH) the heart chakra is bigger than you think. and the blue-green link is very important to nurture.
(MFGH) the wormhole situation that your DF described with her heart is a good representation of what happens when we loose our parts. [She described having her heart smacked out of her and finding it at the end of a wormhole from her heart.] They are all connected to us by either "wormholes" or "lines/cords" depending on "where" they ended up. So we are in the center of a web of connections. And Aurum is that web, so to speak. You can "talk" with these parts through "web consciousness." But they need to be healed through movement.
(me) what does this mean "they need to be healed through movement."
(MFGH) they are holding charge—your charge, that you denied. You need to accept this charge back into yourself and release it. It does no good to bring parts in but force them or your body to continue to hold the charge. They will eventually split off again. Moving the charge allows them to integrate back into you. It has to do with magnetism.
(me) right. sometimes its just good to hear it.
(MFGH) see if you can stay "connected" to your web today.
(me) okay. Thank you.
Goodmorning MFGH,
I am feeling like asking for help today. Especially for my poor heart. Can you help me understand what is happening there? Can Aurum help me here?
(MFGH) yes Aurum can help you connect with and send loving light to your lost parts.
(me) what about the connectors between the chakras. Especially between blue and green. That seems like such a long distance.
(MFGH) the heart chakra is bigger than you think. and the blue-green link is very important to nurture.
(MFGH) the wormhole situation that your DF described with her heart is a good representation of what happens when we loose our parts. [She described having her heart smacked out of her and finding it at the end of a wormhole from her heart.] They are all connected to us by either "wormholes" or "lines/cords" depending on "where" they ended up. So we are in the center of a web of connections. And Aurum is that web, so to speak. You can "talk" with these parts through "web consciousness." But they need to be healed through movement.
(me) what does this mean "they need to be healed through movement."
(MFGH) they are holding charge—your charge, that you denied. You need to accept this charge back into yourself and release it. It does no good to bring parts in but force them or your body to continue to hold the charge. They will eventually split off again. Moving the charge allows them to integrate back into you. It has to do with magnetism.
(me) right. sometimes its just good to hear it.
(MFGH) see if you can stay "connected" to your web today.
(me) okay. Thank you.
I feel wounded
2006-12-06
Dear MFGH,
I feel wounded. In every single relationship I can think of, there is a wound. It may be small, it may be big, but there is a hurt that I am still carrying. I don't want to play the victim role or blame anybody—I'm sure I've wounded each of these people in turn—but I am suddenly in touch with this reality. And how much I have put on a brave face. Done my best to be loving. Never spoken of it.
I feel so incomplete. And some of these people I could tell, I could move with. Take my DH for example. Or my DF. The list just goes on and one. And I don't tell them. I don't want to risk the love that is there. I don't want to risk triggering the gap. I don't want to be ungrateful, or a whiner, or a nitpicker.
Yet there are holes in my aura, I can feel them. And gaps between me and them. And unmoved stuff.
It is tragic. How am I to fix this? How am I to heal this? What is the prognosis for the planet if I am this fucked up with my loved ones? I even feel gaps with You. They are mixed up with my outer gaps.
I guess I feel gapped with myself, for that matter. Who is this Aurum character? I don't feel love towards her. Is this a manifestation of my self-hate? I feel gapped from OH, Grandfather, God, the Mother, FOM, Heart. In fact I feel the closest to FOM.
I feel crippled. Do I have to go forward with this, forever in pain? Or is there really a way to heal?
(MFGH) you do not have to hide your wounds or deny your pain.
(me) I hate being that vulnerable. I feel like I have had to "suck it up" since the very beginning. That my original state was painful, but I felt like I had to just live with it. I deserved it because of my actions, my decisions or something. I could not go back. I could not admit that I screwed up. Or that I needed help. I had to be strong. I feel like I made a terrible, terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do to rectify it.
It actually reminds me of the regret I felt after I was separated from my DC. I still feel wounded there. And I am afraid of making my parents feel guilty. And I feel like I have to accept their explaination. But I never cried, I never grieved. I felt lost from them at this point. And everything since has been over and on top of this gap, this pain. But we never really cleared it. We never grieved it. I was and still am scared to process this with them.
I got reimprinted then. "Who the hell do you think your are?" I feel that is the paren'ts rage against me. Fueled by terror for my well being, but outraged none the less. And wanting to punish. "For my own good" but it did not help me, protect me. It hurt me. It hurt my DC. It hurt my DA. So the reality is, they were off the mark.
I don't even want to listen to You right now. I don't want to ask for your help. I don't want to have to open, especially my heart. I don't want to let you in. I am too hurt.
I am tired of you telling me I am responsible for my own wounds. That doesn't feel empowering right now. Maybe it will some day. But right now it just feels like nobody will fell empathize with me. Comfort me or soothe me. I feel like you will pity me, instead. yuck.
I don't want your pity, I want your understanding. I want you to take my side. To validate my point of view. To say I was right, even. Or at least it made sense given where I was coming from.
Where is Heart? Where is my heart? Where is the support, the love… the Grace if you must. It is hollow, empty in my heart center. It is not a source of anything. I don't know what my yoga teacher is talking about. It is dead. There is no life.
If that is Who I Am then we are screwed. "Heart has to be born in the gap." Ha. What a laugh. Exactly how is this supposed to happen? Who are its parents? There is no Source there. No wellspring of love or light. What was DF talking about [in her wedding ceremony]?
Dang I feel so jaded. I feel like totally denied heart, desperately trying to be a loving presence.
I can't even feel what is in my core. It is numb. Or maybe there is nothing there to feel. Or it is just guilt, or hate. Or there is a big spike through me. Like I was a vampire that needed to be killed.
Maybe this is what my DF is talking about. The Plane of Reversal. Maybe my heart was knocked out of me and is at the end of a wormhole somewhere. I feel some discomfort in my upper heart. The rest of it sort of vaguely itches.
Maybe I should go try and move some of this stuff…
Dear MFGH,
I feel wounded. In every single relationship I can think of, there is a wound. It may be small, it may be big, but there is a hurt that I am still carrying. I don't want to play the victim role or blame anybody—I'm sure I've wounded each of these people in turn—but I am suddenly in touch with this reality. And how much I have put on a brave face. Done my best to be loving. Never spoken of it.
I feel so incomplete. And some of these people I could tell, I could move with. Take my DH for example. Or my DF. The list just goes on and one. And I don't tell them. I don't want to risk the love that is there. I don't want to risk triggering the gap. I don't want to be ungrateful, or a whiner, or a nitpicker.
Yet there are holes in my aura, I can feel them. And gaps between me and them. And unmoved stuff.
It is tragic. How am I to fix this? How am I to heal this? What is the prognosis for the planet if I am this fucked up with my loved ones? I even feel gaps with You. They are mixed up with my outer gaps.
I guess I feel gapped with myself, for that matter. Who is this Aurum character? I don't feel love towards her. Is this a manifestation of my self-hate? I feel gapped from OH, Grandfather, God, the Mother, FOM, Heart. In fact I feel the closest to FOM.
I feel crippled. Do I have to go forward with this, forever in pain? Or is there really a way to heal?
(MFGH) you do not have to hide your wounds or deny your pain.
(me) I hate being that vulnerable. I feel like I have had to "suck it up" since the very beginning. That my original state was painful, but I felt like I had to just live with it. I deserved it because of my actions, my decisions or something. I could not go back. I could not admit that I screwed up. Or that I needed help. I had to be strong. I feel like I made a terrible, terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do to rectify it.
It actually reminds me of the regret I felt after I was separated from my DC. I still feel wounded there. And I am afraid of making my parents feel guilty. And I feel like I have to accept their explaination. But I never cried, I never grieved. I felt lost from them at this point. And everything since has been over and on top of this gap, this pain. But we never really cleared it. We never grieved it. I was and still am scared to process this with them.
I got reimprinted then. "Who the hell do you think your are?" I feel that is the paren'ts rage against me. Fueled by terror for my well being, but outraged none the less. And wanting to punish. "For my own good" but it did not help me, protect me. It hurt me. It hurt my DC. It hurt my DA. So the reality is, they were off the mark.
I don't even want to listen to You right now. I don't want to ask for your help. I don't want to have to open, especially my heart. I don't want to let you in. I am too hurt.
I am tired of you telling me I am responsible for my own wounds. That doesn't feel empowering right now. Maybe it will some day. But right now it just feels like nobody will fell empathize with me. Comfort me or soothe me. I feel like you will pity me, instead. yuck.
I don't want your pity, I want your understanding. I want you to take my side. To validate my point of view. To say I was right, even. Or at least it made sense given where I was coming from.
Where is Heart? Where is my heart? Where is the support, the love… the Grace if you must. It is hollow, empty in my heart center. It is not a source of anything. I don't know what my yoga teacher is talking about. It is dead. There is no life.
If that is Who I Am then we are screwed. "Heart has to be born in the gap." Ha. What a laugh. Exactly how is this supposed to happen? Who are its parents? There is no Source there. No wellspring of love or light. What was DF talking about [in her wedding ceremony]?
Dang I feel so jaded. I feel like totally denied heart, desperately trying to be a loving presence.
I can't even feel what is in my core. It is numb. Or maybe there is nothing there to feel. Or it is just guilt, or hate. Or there is a big spike through me. Like I was a vampire that needed to be killed.
Maybe this is what my DF is talking about. The Plane of Reversal. Maybe my heart was knocked out of me and is at the end of a wormhole somewhere. I feel some discomfort in my upper heart. The rest of it sort of vaguely itches.
Maybe I should go try and move some of this stuff…
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