I feel wounded

2006-12-06

Dear MFGH,

I feel wounded. In every single relationship I can think of, there is a wound. It may be small, it may be big, but there is a hurt that I am still carrying. I don't want to play the victim role or blame anybody—I'm sure I've wounded each of these people in turn—but I am suddenly in touch with this reality. And how much I have put on a brave face. Done my best to be loving. Never spoken of it.

I feel so incomplete. And some of these people I could tell, I could move with. Take my DH for example. Or my DF. The list just goes on and one. And I don't tell them. I don't want to risk the love that is there. I don't want to risk triggering the gap. I don't want to be ungrateful, or a whiner, or a nitpicker.

Yet there are holes in my aura, I can feel them. And gaps between me and them. And unmoved stuff.

It is tragic. How am I to fix this? How am I to heal this? What is the prognosis for the planet if I am this fucked up with my loved ones? I even feel gaps with You. They are mixed up with my outer gaps.

I guess I feel gapped with myself, for that matter. Who is this Aurum character? I don't feel love towards her. Is this a manifestation of my self-hate? I feel gapped from OH, Grandfather, God, the Mother, FOM, Heart. In fact I feel the closest to FOM.

I feel crippled. Do I have to go forward with this, forever in pain? Or is there really a way to heal?

(MFGH) you do not have to hide your wounds or deny your pain.

(me) I hate being that vulnerable. I feel like I have had to "suck it up" since the very beginning. That my original state was painful, but I felt like I had to just live with it. I deserved it because of my actions, my decisions or something. I could not go back. I could not admit that I screwed up. Or that I needed help. I had to be strong. I feel like I made a terrible, terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do to rectify it.

It actually reminds me of the regret I felt after I was separated from my DC. I still feel wounded there. And I am afraid of making my parents feel guilty. And I feel like I have to accept their explaination. But I never cried, I never grieved. I felt lost from them at this point. And everything since has been over and on top of this gap, this pain. But we never really cleared it. We never grieved it. I was and still am scared to process this with them.

I got reimprinted then. "Who the hell do you think your are?" I feel that is the paren'ts rage against me. Fueled by terror for my well being, but outraged none the less. And wanting to punish. "For my own good" but it did not help me, protect me. It hurt me. It hurt my DC. It hurt my DA. So the reality is, they were off the mark.

I don't even want to listen to You right now. I don't want to ask for your help. I don't want to have to open, especially my heart. I don't want to let you in. I am too hurt.

I am tired of you telling me I am responsible for my own wounds. That doesn't feel empowering right now. Maybe it will some day. But right now it just feels like nobody will fell empathize with me. Comfort me or soothe me. I feel like you will pity me, instead. yuck.

I don't want your pity, I want your understanding. I want you to take my side. To validate my point of view. To say I was right, even. Or at least it made sense given where I was coming from.

Where is Heart? Where is my heart? Where is the support, the love… the Grace if you must. It is hollow, empty in my heart center. It is not a source of anything. I don't know what my yoga teacher is talking about. It is dead. There is no life.

If that is Who I Am then we are screwed. "Heart has to be born in the gap." Ha. What a laugh. Exactly how is this supposed to happen? Who are its parents? There is no Source there. No wellspring of love or light. What was DF talking about [in her wedding ceremony]?

Dang I feel so jaded. I feel like totally denied heart, desperately trying to be a loving presence.

I can't even feel what is in my core. It is numb. Or maybe there is nothing there to feel. Or it is just guilt, or hate. Or there is a big spike through me. Like I was a vampire that needed to be killed.

Maybe this is what my DF is talking about. The Plane of Reversal. Maybe my heart was knocked out of me and is at the end of a wormhole somewhere. I feel some discomfort in my upper heart. The rest of it sort of vaguely itches.

Maybe I should go try and move some of this stuff…