Mother on Beauty

2007-02-13


yesterday I felt this piece of my heart, poking out, like the stamen of a flower trying to attract bees… it felt so vulnerable and hurt from not getting what it needed… I don't know what to do about this…


(Mother) now you have a sense of my longing, and a sense of how I experienced my heart. Imagine my pain when this part of me left to go with what I was longing for.

(me) I don't know if I can imagine that, but it the experience did help me to get what it was like to "dangle" the heart "out there"—and I saw how it could be experienced as "bait."

(Mother) yes, it is an extremely sensitive part, and an extremely desirable part. The other side that "gobbled it up" just wanted the "bait" and did not recognize that this was part of me, that this was my offering… and that I would provide the grounding and depth to the relationship…

the gap between my heart and the rest of me is in part causal to the pattern of "falling out of love"…

this is also causal to female heart's sacrifice imprint. this has not been looked at. but there is a lot of sacrifice in "trying to get a man" and all of the machinations that women go through to "catch" one.

this is also causal to resentment between women—women who refuse to do this, resent the women that do it, because the ones that do it, end up getting the man.

beautiful women have an unseen privilege… "beautyism" is barely recognized as a phenomenon. People have deeply held judgments that beauty is a reflection of a choice that the essence made, and assume that the essence was "rewarded" with beauty. as you know there is all kinds of research about attributions that beautiful
people get the benefit of the doubt.

And there is some truth to this, and I love beauty… its just that some of what is ugly is a manifestation of judgments against the will and what the will is holding… which is especially frustrating when what we are holding actually belongs to the person who is judging us…

with acceptance, the "beauty" of creation can be seen—through the ugliness. and with healing, the essence manifesting "ugly" will be able to return to its original beauty.

when you see something ugly, note your response… you may have revulsion… and it is important to get to the bottom of this. what has been "dumped" there, in the essence that is reflecting what you want to turn away from?

the "beautiful" parts of the world are able to maintain that because they send their "trash" elsewhere. they put a lot of energy into the appearance of beauty. there is confusion that the appearance = essence. this is a fundamental truth, but it gets "messed up" when denial is present.

So whether you are beautiful or ugly, you need to reach across the gap there and find your opposite part. If you are beautiful, where is your ugliness? why is it ugly in the first place? what original judgments were put on it? If you are ugly, where is your beauty? this is a part of you. It belongs to you. you can have it. you deserve it. what are you holding in your compassion for lost will that you can release back to it's parental part now?

It is important to understand that there are some parental pieces that are opening to their lost will, and so the mother pieces can start to release what they are holding. It is also important to understand that the parental pieces are NOT opening to their lost will, and so the mother pieces don't feel right about releasing this.

please do not blame or judge the mother pieces here. they can only release as fast as there is reception for it. they do not want to loose any aspect of the will that wants acceptance.

the exception to this rule is unloving light. All pieces need to release this. God has acceptance here, and will redeem it or put it in its right place. you do NOT have to hold this any more.

I know many of you are terrified that in moving out the unloving light, the will presence holding it, will get even more denied and lost. You need to move your terror here, because you are actually clamping down on the process. The will can be trusted—if it is allowed to go through its own process. If you get the will vibrating that is holding the unloving light, it can release it.

And your intention and judgment releases can help this process. But don't hold back because of this fear.

We all need to work together. We all have different tasks. Please, if you don't understand the healing process of a different kind of "part," don't rush to judgment. You can't evaluate the progress of somebody else by the steps on your own path.

And if you are not clear about your own path, then forgive yourself here. There is good reason for you to be confused. And if you judge you own path as wrong, you need to release this judgment as well. This is deeply held in the will.

Lack of trust in the will being able to heal is a form of terror. This may need to move first before other layers can begin to move.

Remember that judgments are best release when the will that is "holding" them is vibrating. With the intent to move them out, and the intent to receive Loving Light, healing can happen fairly quickly.

(me) thank you.

Heart--The Master Assemblage Point

What follows is a compilation of four sessions. I have done light editing, but there may be some disconnections between sessions.


2007-01-30

Note: I asked about future events.

(MFGH) You can access this information yourself by treating your will as your own personal oracle. You also have the option of accessing information like this through any location on your Heart Channel. [This is an energy channel between Indigo, Green and Orange, often connected in meditating by running energy in a figure eight, or around two touching spheres.]

Each position will give you a slightly different perspective. The Indigo doorway will give you visions and understandings about the shape of the energies involved. The Heart doorway will give you information about the connections between the parts and the balance between them. The Hara doorway will give you direct information about the nature of the energies and entities involved. And of course you can ask us.

But it will empower you, especially in your role of Indigo Seer, to learn how to "use" your own instrument and trust your ability to do so. Yes, you have a sound instrument. It has its own shape, tone, and resonance in Our eyes, and this is not wrong. We can get from you what we can't get from anyone else. This is why everyone is a precious and necessary part of creation. Even the fragments are necessary. They hold the vibration that was not wanted in the original parent part. We would not want this vibration to go away! Creation would have long been dead if this was the case.

(me) thank you. That is really cool about the three doorways.

(MFGH) this is part of our lesson about "mind". Imagine you capacity to interact when you are able to see the energy flow, the connections and balances, and know about the essence involved all in one apprehension. In fact we would like you to practice t his. We would like you to put a sections on your website of assignments or exercises for people to do.

(me) cool!

(MFGH) but that is for the future. For now, let us look together at your questions through each of the doorways. Which question do you want to focus on?


2007-02-01

(me) Okay here is a topic: the Second Attention. [See Castaneda]

(God) this is a big topic. And it is related to Indigo. There is an assemblage point in what is called the "third eye." By assemblage point I mean a place where you can access or perceive different layers of reality. But it is more than that, because perception is an activity. It is not just a passive receiving of something "out there." It is creating a relationship between yourself and out there. It is a particular kind of manifestation. It is "assembling" data and making meaning out of it.

In some layers of reality, you can manipulate what it out there more easily. Lucid dreaming is the most common experience of this. So is learning to quiet the mind, lower the blood pressure, increase energy flow, etc. Meditation can strengthen one's power to affect reality, at least at the level of one's own body-being. Practicing an art or craft is also very good for this.

We are always connected to the Second Attention, its just that we are not usually conscious of what is happening there, let alone conscious of our impact on it and how we are creating our reality in the First Attention through it. We—including you, including humanity—are incredibly creative beings. For a long time I (God) did not understand how I was creating the reflections I was seeing. The role of denial was unseen.

However there were parts of Creation that did understand some of the ways that I was creating reality, in that they were witness to my shadow and knew it was a part of me. This was fragmented knowledge, and in many cases what was witnessed was denied again, because it seemed pointless or even dangerous to bring this lost knowledge forward.

So the whole creative function of the Creations was "broken." We lost the Original Vision (the blueprint and dream) that motivated us in Original Heart. We thought we would create something beautiful and loving. But we even forgot about that, for the most part. It seemed "real" to us that we were victims of our own Creation.

Essentially we all became disconnected assemblage points. We each had our own point of view, and we did not know how to connect them together for the purpose of manifesting our dreams. We were like an orchestra, out of tune, each musician having a different piece of music, sitting wherever, and no conductor.

So now we are trying to figure out:
• what is my instrument? (what is my personal and transpersonal identity?)
• where is my section? (what is my right place?)
• how does my piece of music fit in to the whole symphony? (what is my contribution?)
• how can I tune my instrument to match everyone else? (what is the balance point?)
• who or what is keeping the tempo? (what is Grace?)

This does not even address the problems of damaged instruments with missing pieces, or whole sections of the orchestra being gone, let alone the state of the musician's themselves.

Without the contributions of the whole orchestra, it is not possible to build an overview, and without an overview, it is a lot harder to coordinate the whole. This is why it is so important that everyone in Creation develop a relationship with Me, as "overview" is my thang.

I am speaking on the Macro level, of course, but I would also like to speak about the Micro level.

Each of you have multiple points of view within you, actually multiple assemblage points. And so you need to bring these in to harmony within, just as we need to bring their main Body of God counterparts into harmony without.

I recommend starting with your third eye (in indigo) and your hara (in orange). These can work together (mediated by heart in green) to give you a rich understanding of reality, and more.

The first step is to identify what these two assemblage points are already doing, automatically, without you having to do anything about it. This may begin as a conceptual process, but try to include the feeling aspect of it as well. Your goal is to shift from the "throught about" these naturally occurring processes to "being present with" them to "being them."

On a parallel track there are "feelings about" the processes that have to be worked through.

You can try the exercise on the GodChannel site. Some people find this helpful.

(me)

Okay thanks, lets continue this tomorrow.


2007-02-03

(MFGH) I would like to start with a model of perception that you [Sapphire] already know. I am talking about perception in our ordinary (First Attention) reality. This model breaks down the steps that happen in perception into discreet parts. Remember that this is constantly happening, so as you process each moment's input, you are also finishing up the process from the previous moment and anticipating the next moment. This leaves a seamless sense of reality unfolding over time.

In order for you to experience this for yourself, you need to pay close attention to what is happening moment-to-moment. There are various ways to do this, but the goal is to get "here," "now." If you think about it, that is where and when this process of perception is happening, so this is the only way to get present with it: to be where and when it is. Here. Now.

Sapphire, please give the "perception lecture."

(me) okay, here goes:

First let me say that this is about perception on the mental level. There are emotional inputs and responses that can make a big difference to the "reality" that we perceive, but I am going to separate them out and just talk about what goes on in the mind.

First I will give you an overview of the process, then we will go into a bit of detail about each step. For this example, we will narrow it down to one sense: sight. Here is the process:

objects of perception--> selection (what gets our attention)--> interpretation (meaning) --> categorization --> value judgement --> "reality" manifests

objects of perception
this is what is "out there." In our example, let us say that it we are in a dining room. There is a window with window coverings, a painting, a chandelier, a table and chairs, furniture with dishes, etc in it, and a bowl of fruit on the table.

selection
out of the field of light, shadow, form and color that is the raw data of light bouncing off of the objects and into our eye, certain things catch our attention. The first thing to consider is that we can only see a certain spectrum of light-energy.

The next question is what causes some things to catch our attention? To understand this fully, we need to understand what is going on for the person at the moment of perception.

There are certain conditions that "prime" us to notice certain things:
• salient data (if we are hungry, we are going to notice the apple in the fruit bowl)
• expected data (if we are visiting a home of a new friend that has a good fashion sense, we might expect that it would be tastefully decorated, so we would notice whether our expectations were met or not)
• relevant data (things are relevant to us depending on what we already know, so if we knew something about art, we would notice the painting.)

There are also things about the environment itself that attract attention:
• changing data (if the room was still and a mouse suddenly scurried across the floor, the movement itself would draw our attention)
• repetitive data (if there were repeated design elements in the room, like colors or shapes, we would notice that)
• unique data (if the bowl was unusual in some way, it would stand out)

interpretation
here is where we identify what the objects are. The raw data resolves into table, chairs, windows, fruit, etc. We do this by comparing what we are looking at with what we already know. So our entire history has bearing on what we see.

A classic story of the importance of having seen similar things previously comes out of anthropology. Some folks who lived in the rain forest for their whole lives saw a meadow for the first time. They had never seen open space before. On the meadow were livestock grazing. As they had never looked over a distance before, they had no concept of perspective, that things farther away were smaller. They thought that the livestock were insects against a field of green.

categorization
in this instance we identify where the objects of perception fit into our scheme of things. We put them into our "cognitive structures" or "schema." There are many types of cognitive structures that we compare the objects in:
• prototype (when I mentioned an apple, did you think of a red, green, or yellow one? Did it have a stem? A leaf? Whatever you thought of was your "prototypical" apple. When I have asked my students what color their apples were, they were surprisingly distributed across the color categories.)
• stereotype (does the room match your stereotypical expectations of the kind of dining room that your kind of friend has? does it match the expectations that you have considering his or her gender, orientation, ethnicity, class, age, etc?)
• implicit personality theories (does your friend have an introverted or extroverted personality? Do the colors in the room match your expectations based on her personality type?)
• attribution theories (this is about whether we attribute the cause of something to the person--things in their control--or their circumstances—things outside of their control. Say the room was messy. Would you think that she was a messy person, or would you think that unexpected things going on in her life precluded her form tidying up?)
• scripts (these are expectations about how things should unfold. Did your friend make the "requisite" statement apologizing about the state of the room? Or do you know her to be the kind of person who wouldn't follow those kinds of rules?)

Remember that all of this is happening in a moment! And continuously.

Finally, we have

value judgment
Once we have located the object in a category, the value that we place on that category determines the value of the object. The basic distinctions are whether something is good or bad, whether we like or dislike it, etc. But in reality there are gray areas.

For example, we could recognize that the painting is "good" by how it compares to the standards of the class of painting that it is; a "good" landscape. But maybe we don't like landscapes, so that while we could say that the painting is "objectively" good, we still are put off by it.

Or another example, say the painting is a good one, and we like it, but it does not "go with" the style of the rest of the room.

And then on top of these judgments are the ones about whether the room is "nice" or not, or if we have more developed categories (cognitive schema) in the realm of interior design, whether it is "successful" or not, and then how this reflects on the character of your friend. Is design a criteria for your evaluation of her? Or could you care less?

Again, this all happens in a flash. To give you an example from my own life:

I was driving my car down a street in a town that used to be ranchland, and still had ranches at the edge of it. I glanced at two people walking on the sidewalk. The shorter one had a white beard. I noticed this because it was a bit unusual. I interpreted this person as an older man. I categorized him as a rancher, and assumed that his companion was his son. I got a warm feeling about the father and son strolling down the street. I approved of them.

An instant later I looked back at them and discovered that the father and son were actually a man and a woman. The woman had been putting on a white visor, and at the moment I had glanced at her, it was under her chin. Now it was on her head. I was astonished at how much I made up about these people in such a short time.

This brings us to the question of the accuracy of our perceptions—which I define as "functional representations of reality." There are several things that determine this:
• the complexity of our cognitive categories.
• flexibility of our categories
• strength of our assumptions about the cause of behavior
• fundamental attribution error
• "mindfulness"

There is more, but I will stop now.


2007-02-05

[MFGH suggested that I do some meditation.]

Wow—I got a lot of info from each of my chakras… and I got a sense of Heart being the Master Assemblage Point…especially for my connection with my fragments and with other people… where the "web" hooks in to me… I got that it was at a point slightly towards my physical heart, left of my heart chakra, and slightly above my heart chakra.

The connecting cord was shaped more like a funnel than a line, but had a main direction… I wonder what the main direction is all about?

(MFGH) the main direction, or connection, is your relationship to the Main Web—which is a roughly spherical network that surrounds the Earth, about a meter from the surface. The Oceans and Mountains change the configuration and add their own energies to it, but that is for another time.

Each person has a main "orientation" to this layer of manifestation. Imagine that everyone is an egg-shaped being… and the eggs are floating in the “sea” that is the Web… some tilted forwards, back, or to the side… some sitting higher, some lower… because each person is hooked in at their own master assemblage point, which determines their “angle.”

And as you got in your meditation, this connection with "all your relations," as the Lakota say, is focused on in so many teachings because it has the most "leverage" in terms of influencing and being influenced by the Web. Many teachers want you to heal the planet with love, or to send out light through your heart chakra, or to accept Jesus into your heart, or to only have loving thoughts and feelings, etc. They are asking you to move energy through your Master Assemblage Point to heal the planet.

And this is not wrong, this is Heart's right place in fact, but as you well know, the imprints and fragmentation in heart and in all of the chakras has prevented this from happening in a way that includes the Will and does not increase denial.

The good news is now that you know that, you can begin to use your assemblage points and your heart connections in a healing way. And the process of trying to do this will no doubt bring up your issues in relation to Heart. And this is a good thing, especially if you have intent to release your judgments and receive and express your feelings. In fact if you are having a reaction to this idea, then you have your doorway into what needs to be moved so that the Web can be reclaimed by Loving Light and We can assist in the planetary healing.

(me) wow, thank you. This explains a lot.

(God) Pay attention to the push/pull in and through your heart in connection with the outside world. Know that you do have a degree of choice in what you let out and let in. It mostly has to do with intent. Your light-being knows what it has to do in order to open, close, shield you, etc. once it starts becoming more "fluid" as you move and release judgments.

We have been talking about energy moving on a horizontal plane. To add the vertical “tubular” reality to all of this, notice that you can discern how open a person is to Loving Light (above them) and the Mother (below them) by feeling the quality and quantity of what is coming through your heart connection. This is in part why you feel drawn to some people and repelled by others.

Your heart connection is also where you can find agreements about giving and getting light from each other.

(me) what about your Decree that we can't get light from each other, we have to get it from you directly?

(God) This is true. And it is also true that each of you has a role to play in the Great Circulation. But you all have a connection with me, and although this relationship is evolving, I am still the Source of Light. I want everyone to work through their issues with me. I want to heal my relationships with everyone and everything. If you choose not to, then you must move back. I need my space just as much as anyone does.

But any part of you that wants to receive me will be allowed to stay. And I am not saying that it is wrong for you to have the thoughts and feelings of wanting to reject me. I want to hear this, and I want to know why. I want to receive your expression of the pain of our separation.

(me) thank you. but it’s difficult to trust sometimes. It’s difficult to trust you, and to trust that I am receiving you.

(God) yes, and with good reason. So we have to rebuild trust, moment by moment, step by step. We have to release what has held in response to the places we have betrayed each other. I want you to know that I will be there with you.

an opening in blue-green

2006-12-22

Dear MFGH,

Today I listened to my heart when I got the echocardiogram. It was very interesting. Kind of scary, actually.

I am also paying a lot of attention to my "blue-green" chakra? connector? since I had the breakthrough in yoga to arch the very top of my thorasic area. I could feel the space between each vertebre open up and energy shine up and out. It was such a trip. Now I am working on rolling that open, and allowing the rest of the bones to settle into place. Also strengthening the upper back to hold the shoulderblades back and down. Hmm, there is that back and down thing again.

Anyway, that part of my upper chest is now pointing "up" to a much greater degree. So I am wondering if on an energetic level my upper heart is opening up. Well actually I know it is. I guess I am wondering what it means. What is the function of that part of the spectrum? I love the turquoise colors so.

(MFGH) This part of the spectrum was rebuffed by Blue. Many times. Green wanted to give its input to Blue, to bring more heart presence their am mediate/moderate/temper the power and expansive quality of Blue.

(me) I feel like physically, I contracted here and brought my shoulders forward to hide my breasts. I was not proud of them, I was trying to minimize them so I wouldn't be harassed. I guess the posture I have now is much more "proud." "Walk like Marilyn Monroe" is what I called it when I was trying to have acceptance for my weight and still be attractive.

(MFGH) yes. Breasts are heart-expression. They are a manifestation of the Mother's generosity and desire to nurture her children. You could say that breasts got "sexualized," but this is not the right order of things. The heart center was a powerful connecting point between the sexes and this is part of the draw to them. An upright posture indicates an open heart, a strong heart, a willingness to put yourself out there.

(me) my heart feels very vulnerable right now.

(MFGH) yes it is a vulnerable place. But an upright posture indicates that you can take care of yourself in this realm.

So you do you take care of yourself here? There isn't a simple answer, nor one that is universal. Each person has to find their own way. But there are some principles.

One is that your own heart has to be in your own chest. You would be surprised at how many people literally "do not have a heart." There is a huge split between Heart and Body and the Energy Body (Rainbow) that we have talked about, but may be useful to revisit now.

(me) I am getting that these splits have been reenacted in our own bodies… I am seeing it as a branch of a tree that has gone off in a different direction than the trunk.

(MFGH) The good news is that the branch and tree are still attached, but farther back in time. You can "return" to this time and heal this split and "zip it up" so to speak.

Once your heart is in its right place, and can integrate with all of the other energy bodies, it has some built-in "shielding" so to speak, because it is in the center of your aura instead of riding out in front of it, or even more alone, far away from your body.

You also need to look at the cording from your heart, and the energy flow to and from others. It is right for heart to be a connecting place, so this can be tricky. But the first step is to get conscious of what is going on there.

You can use Indigo to look inwardly. You can use Orange to feel intuitively. You can consider the patterns in your relationships. You can notice when you feel energized by somebody and when you feel drained. You can note the sensations in your physical and etheric bodies.

(me) I think the last one is my orientation.

(MFGH) this is part of being a kinetic learner.

the Mind, Indigo, Heart and the Chakras

2007-01-07

[note: I had a business proposal to write, and I was up against a deadline.]

…So I am mostly feeling heaviness and fear/dread/guilt. I hate deadlines. I wish I had the chair but I don't even feel like I would have time to go move on it. I barely feel like I have time to channel. I don't even have time to formulate a question.

I feel that I am "bad" in relationship to the deadline. I guess I feel that I should have finished the proposal already, even though I knew that that would not be possible. I also feel "bad" in that I should have already done my research on pricing, etc. I should have been more serious about my professional development. I should already have training under my belt, and belong to associations, etc.

Its like a confrontation with the denial that I have been in. Kind of a "what was I thinking?" And also, "why didn't I give myself permission to pursue this stuff, [training, joining associations, etc.] when I knew it was a good thing?" Something about not feeling like I could justify it? To DD (Dear Dad), to DH (Dear Husband)?

I have not been in control of my career. I have been reactive, and also in fantasy… wanting an idealized version and not confronting the survival terror of supporting myself.

I guess I am starting to feel some of that terror… and also terror of my own inadequacies, of making a mistake, etc. Of fucking up big time. I wish I could get my own version of malpractice insurance. I wish my clients would take responsibility for themselves so I wouldn't have to be the fall guy if something goes wrong.

I need to go back on the chair about this.

And what about the chair???

What about doing sessions with other people???

MFGH can you help me receive and move and heal my terror?

(MFGH) yes, of course. Remember, whether this terror is triggered in you or not, it is still in existence. it is still suffering. So every time that you feel it, you are healing it. You are doing a good thing.

(me) I don't know if I believe that. Its confusing to me, especially with the anxiety part of the bipolar. I don't feel that denied will is causal. I don't feel that being terrified does anything to heal it. I don't know how to move a panic attack.

I am angry about the whole thing.

(MFGH) well we haven't gone into the causes of bipolar yet.

(me) well I don't think that you know, or that I am really channeling you, or could trust what you say… I feel like I can't bridge the two paradigms of causality.

I certainly don't think that it can be healed… when I look at how outsiders view it. I'm having a lot of doubts right now.

(MFGH) well consider your history, your position, just in this life. Consider the world views you have been indoctrinated in, and have tried to bridge and incorporate. It’s a big task, and you don't have anybody to turn to who has done this before. There are no answers out there for you. You have to discover this, construct this for yourself. You have to have an answer that really satisfies you, that satisfies everything.

And that is not wrong. It is not wrong to want a satisfactory answer about the chair, either. It is not wrong to want to understand, to understand all the way down through the cellular to the atomic level. It is not wrong to want to understand how the knowledge to use it was generated. It is not wrong that you don't want to deny one paradigm in favor of another one, but to see the truth in both of them.

It is important that you distinguish the reasons why the paradigms clash when they do. When is it because of a gap in the ability of the paradigm to consider something, and when is it because the knowledge is just not reached yet?

You are in a unique position, and you have a unique role in manifesting or bringing forth understanding.

(me) but don't you already have this understanding? Aren't you God? Can't you just give it to me? Why are you buttering me up?

(MFGH) yes, we do have the understanding, and yes, we can give it to you, and we will. You are the fulfillment of our understanding, don't you see that? We cannot manifest our understanding virtually. We have to have a (human) receptacle, a human co-creator, a human intelligence. The understanding does not exist "out there in the ethers" waiting for us to give it to you. It is unpacked, given life, given form, in your experience.

You are like our committed listener on the topic, or maybe a therapist. You help us bring it from latency to completion.

(me) mumble mumble grr grr

(MFGH) this is why it is important for you to talk to others who are in your position. And to stay with the folks at The Icarus Project. You are building knowledge, yes indeed-y, you are breaking new ground.

(me) well this is in part why I get so irritated with other people who are telling me the truth about things, especially bipolar, who have no experience with it. Or who deny the understandings of Western Science.

(MFGH) the point we are trying to make is that you are not wrong, in fact, your skepticism about non-Wstern medicine and insistence that it has something to offer is in fact valuable to us, as well as to creation. It may be a long time before this has wider impact, but as long as it helps you, then we are making progress.

(me) okay then explain to me about GABA [a neurotransmitter that is related to manifesting the symptoms of bipolar]. What is the OC of it? What does it have to do with denial spirits, Lucifer, etc.?

(MFGH) GABA isn't "causal," but it is closer to the cause. It is a primary symptom of its OC that has many consequences. The normal paradigm is to say that GABA levels cause bipolar, therefore this is how to solve the problem But GABA is also the "means" to the symptoms you experience as bipolar. In other words, if you look at it from another paradigm that says emotions are causal (to put it simply) you get a different question. That might be "what would need to go wrong in order to get these experiences ("symptoms") to happen in someone's life?" the answer would be to change the levels of GABA and the other neurotransmitters.

It is kind of like the argument over whether the Sun or the Earth is causal in the radiation that causes problems on the Earth. You could look at it from both sides, (i.e. it comes from the Sun vs. the Earth magnetizes it) and create strong arguments for both sides, but it doesn't mean that you have to pick one or the other. Each sees the "truth" from its point of view. And each side doesn't appreciate having its point of view denied by the other.

It might be helpful to understand Body's role in manifesting the Truth about the relationship of Spirit to Will, as well as the History of Experience that the particular essence is holding. You have to trace it back to its evolutionary OC.

We are not done with the story. We need to set certain fundamental building blocks into place. There is much more that needs to be explained about the relationship of consciousness and brain and mind and emotions. There is more that needs to be understood about Indigo's role in this. Why did the brain locate itself in the heart of the upper chakras? Why not a brain located in the hips, like a dinosaur?

There is a lot of lower-chakra blaming rage at the brain. There is a backlash that says that the brain is not causal to our experience! Just like you have rage that says the brain is causal!

All of this has to be untangled in order to get at the "truth" of causality. The charges have to be gotten through. And this does not mean that the charges are wrong, it is just that until the various points of view have their say, their release, they cannot enlarge their understanding.

A more subtle level of the above charges are the question of perpetration. From the lower chakra perspectives, anything upper is causal in terms of perpetration. But they do not want to say that life comes from the brain, because to them, this feels like a denial of their role in creation. They do not want to say that the manifested form of the problem is causal, that Body is causal. This gets Spirit off the hook. They are sick and tired of the answers to life's questions coming from the Spirit/Mind perspective. They are sick of Spirit/Mind telling them that they are causal to their own problems.

Each upper chakra has its own relationship to Brain and Spirit and Mind. And remember, we are speaking in generalities to lay out the territory, not defining the truth of any one experience.

Purple that aligned with Spirit feels frustrated when the Brain won't receive its input (inspiration). But Purple has had a huge impact on the judgments held in Mind for many people, depending on their polarizations. That is often how Purple is received.

Blue wants to control the Brain, and has many Mind control techniques to offer to gain and maintain power, especially over the lower chakra's input. Inspiration is okay, as long as it furthers the Blue agenda.

Indigo… well this is more tricky to explain…

Let us start with the role of the eyes and ears in the brain and mind.

The eyes are the sensory organ of the brain (along with the pituitary gland) and they transmit Light into electro-chemical impulses. The ears do the same with Vibration (along with the skull).
As you know, perception is a multi-step process of making meaning out of these impulses. Your mind is like the projector that is necessary to make a can of film come to life. The film (recorded experience) does not change, it does not appear or disappear, but it has no relevance, no contribution until it is fed through the mind. The mind is necessary for the film to come to life.

The other elements that are necessary are time/process (moving the film through the projector one frame at a time), light to illuminate the film, and the screen to reflect the light back to the viewer.

The sound track has a parallel set of necessities for it to be heard—time/process, the amplifier, the speaker, the air that it vibrates, and the ear drum which receives the vibration.

The mind is all of these processes in total, while the brain is the mechanical parts of it within the body. The mind "makes sense" of what happens in the mechanical processes, and includes the "reality screen" which is "perceived" by the brain.

The paradox for Indigo, is that the mind, the whole process of perception and meaning-making is greater than Indigo, but also resides within it.

This is in part because of the history of Creation. If Purple and Blue hadn't gapped, the Mind would be more integrated into the whole upper chakra spectrum (not to mention the lower chakra spectrum). But as it happened, the Place that would hold and receive Mind, the "neutral territory" was Indigo.

If the connections between the other Chakras and Indigo was stronger, Mind would be a much broader experience. Indigo's true gifts would be realized, and it would also be able to incorporate the gifts from the lower chakras much more easily.

We talked recently of the Indigo-Green-Orange Heart-channel. If this had been allowed to develop, the experience of Mind would be completely different. Essentially, Mind would not be located in the upper chakras. It would be an integrative function of all of the chakras.

Body and Mind would not be the dichotomy that they are today. Mind would be much more identified with Heart, with Balance and with Integration.

So part of the Lower Chakra objections about the primacy of mind is an objection to the primacy of the upper-chakra orientation of mind.

In men, the split between their "upper head" and their "lower head" is often made fun of, but this is pointing to a real split, and a real condition that needs healing. In women, the split is between women who allow their "lower head (brain)" to even manifest and those that do not. The Virgin-Whore split. There is no conceptualization that those that do allow for the lower brain could integrate it with their upper brains.

And the ones that do allow their lower brain to have some presence are to be controlled by the males. Females allowing their lower brain to make decisions for the species are very threatening to the males.

They are threatening to the other females as well. For those that do have lower brain presence, there is competition, and for those that do not, there is condemnation.

A big part of the problem in integrating the upper and lower brains, is the loss of the Central Heart.

Here we have collapsed the distinctions of "mind" and "brain" and "head" because of the common vernacular, but we think you get the idea.

When Indigo manifest in the Second Creation, there was no understanding or reality that the Fourth Creation, Green, or the Sixth Creation, Orange, would not manifest in full ("correctly" or per plan). Well this is not exactly true, but the point is, there was no accommodation made that the future Creations would not go according to Plan, or that the Plan might need to be changed. So Indigo manifested Mind as best it could, with the expectation that this was just the first "third" of the equation, without any idea that this would end up being the essence that would have to hold the entire function of Mind.

This ended up being a pretty heavy burden for Indigo. It was required to do much more than it's original form could handle. It did not have the input or support from the rest of the Heart Channel.

And this is also why Indigo could be so unbalanced. Essentially it "forgot" that it was not meant to be the Mind/Brain center in isolation. Parts of it were happy to have this role as it gave it power in relationship to the rest of the chakras. Parts of it felt very victimized, but didn't really understand why. Parts of it held a lot of resentment at having to carry the load for the whole Body. Parts of it ended up being "overresponsible" for the situation. Parts of it thought that it must have done something wrong to end up in this predicament. And parts of it broke down under the stress of the situation.

Indigo has a long history of feeling like it's contribution could help, if only others would receive it, but also an unwillingness to share its contribution, because others didn't receive it. To the outsiders, Indigo is a very frustrating presence—they feel its judgments that things are not unfolding correctly, but without any helpful feedback or constructive criticism. This only contributes to their inability to receive Indigo, because they have backed up rage that Indigo needs to receive but hasn't.

All sides can help if they move their feelings privately, but ultimately, there needs to be an expression of their points of view to each other. Once Indigo accepts and processes its own victimization, it can receive the feelings from those that it impacted—how it's actions ended up impacting creation.

Indigo has confusion about power—it seems to have a lot of power on the one hand, but also very little power on the other. The situation is very unbalanced. It seems to "prey" on those that admit their need for Indigo's input—psychics that milk hundreds of dollars from their dependent and even addicted clients—to compensate for the loss of status that it has in the mainstream.

Indigo has been very afraid of its power—in part because of the questions of the role of envisioning in manifesting the future—but it has also felt hugely denied in that it's input has been either diminished or "interpreted" to forward the agenda of the interpreter.

Take the "Revelations" in the Bible for example… These have been reified, and then analyzed and interpreted and used as evidence for various other points of view. You very rarely have an Indigo analysis of the words.

On the one hand, Indigo is happy that it has at least some influence on current events… it has some acknowledgement that it has a right place… but it hasn't been able to present it's critique on the message because the ones that actually have the power and want the message to work in their favor do not want Indigo to rock the boat.

And Heaven Forbid that everyone activate their Own Indigo! That would blow the power-mongers out of the water. So Revelations is giving its place in the Church Teachings, but the power to receive revelations (i.e. channeling) is called the work of the Devil. It is only the Church that can interpret what is received, it is only the Church that can declare any particular Revelation as "sanctioned" and "safe" to listen to.

There is a lot of cynicism in Indigo. This has to be broken down into its constituent parts of rage, frustration, resentment, fear, despair, and grief. Cynicism is an orientation that feels less threatening than actually experiencing the other feelings, but it is not a loving experience for the one that feels it or the ones that receive it. It is a stuck place, and will not take you to where you want to go.

(me) wow, thank you. I hope I can integrate this into my own process.

(MFGH) we have not doubt that you will. Just move in response.

Heart, Blue Woman, Purple Woman, etc.

2006-13-17

[note: this took five hours to channel, but I stuck with it cause I seemed to be on a roll...]

Dear MFGH,

I seem to have gotten a "hit" of grace… and that it is more present on the planet this time of year…

Dear Sapphire,

Yes but also the absence of it is more apparent. However people are more willing to "send" their grace to the people and fragments they are connected to.

This is why prayers can sometimes help the sick. They work best when there is some connection between people and they can actually affect the network. Even better would be to give the person tools and space to heal.

The more you let me in, the more I can understand about your situation. Like the Mother, I can also feel places of acceptance and denial in you. You still have some stubbornness about not wanting to ask for help because that would be admitting you have a problem. This is an issue for many people on Earth that goes back to the beginning.

You did not want to hear "I told you so" from me, and that was partly right, in that I had judgments against the Mother which spilled over to anyone who went to "her" Earth. You could feel those judgments and so wanted to reject my advice that leaving my realm would be fool hardy. You wanted to prove me wrong and show me that you could do it yourself.

However you went past your own fears and grief there in favor of your anger. So now you are afraid to "crack" there, because on some level it will mean having to feel those denied feelings finally. It is tied up with your fear that I was right, after all, and all of your pain and suffering could have been avoided if you had listened to me. This is a very hard place to be.

But what I want you to understand is that I now understand that it was not wrong for you to leave me. It was not your fault that you polarized to the Mother there. This is in your nature. You could not exist in Heaven without her.

And you would not have avoided you pain and suffering… it doesn't work like that. Of course we all wish we could have understood more about the Mother and her process and what she was and still is holding—our denials. You followed my example there, unfortunately. But this did not enable you to avoid your own gap.

Still the fluidity that existed on Earth then is so much greater than what exists now, even the darker reflections seem more desirable than the ones you are getting now. But what is happening now is a reenactment complete with smacks reverberating down through the ages.

For the gaps to heal, each side has to go all the way back to their original splits. This has to start with the Parental parts. They need to understand how they split with the other side, and also, how their own rage split out and is acting out their denied agenda. We know that this is familiar ground to you, but we want to say it specifically in answer to the question "how can we bring Peace to Earth?"

Heart's message of love, balance, forgiveness, etc is important, but it cannot be done without dealing with your denials.

"Turning the other cheek" is particularly misunderstood. This is in part because the Heart presence there did not understand that his own desire to hit back, etc, did not stop existing just because he did not feel it or express it.

But if you integrate our new understandings, it can mean "move by yourself in private" instead of lashing out at your trigger.

One problem with Heart-polarized people is that they judge the ones doing the violence as wrong, immature, unevolved, etc. They miss the part about how their own denied violence is empowering the conflict.

(me) I just got a sinking feeling that my own denied violence is being dumped into people like S, who can barely handle it. Plus my own denied pain. Is she my fragment?

(God) yes she has some of your denials, but no she is not your fragment. She is a Mother piece. But notice the subtle judgments you have against her. What are they?

(me) I think that there is something wrong with her. She is doing something wrong. She shouldn't be so angry. Why is there always conflict around her? Why can't she get her pain meds? It makes me angry. I guess I am denying my own true response. In the name of trying to accept her and sooth her.

(God) You can do both. It would help her much more if you moved your response rather than "try to be nice" to her.

(me) ugh I am feeling like I am seeing a reflection of someone being a "dumping ground."

(God) you are. And all the meds in the world are not going to fix it. What will fix it is if you and everybody else reclaims their essence. That will lift the burden.

Preaching at people usually just makes it worse, because it reinforces that what they are doing is their fault, because they cannot live up to the ideals of the behavior that the people who are doing the dumping can exemplify. And preaching to those that are doing the dumping just reinforces their bad habit.

(me) I am confused because I feel like both a dumper and a dumpee.

(God) yes you are both. People dumped into you but being heart you were able to still maintain your identity but loose part of your will. You've got to get your will back and allow it to release the feelings back into where they started in the first place. You don't have to be in direct contact with the person. "Give" them to me, and I will make sure they find acceptance inside of love.

And remember these are not only feelings from the "top" to the bottom, they are also feelings from the "bottom" to the top. Blue allowed some of the feelings/information from the lower chakras through them as a handy way to get rid of them, and they also had intention that they go to you, but not Purple. So you were a target in this way.

But this is a relatively small portion of what you are holding that needs to go through you. The rest of this is still trapped below Blue—Blue's rage holding down its terror. When this comes back up it is important that your channels are open and you are fluid enough to allow this through so it doesn't become a smack from below.

It is a twisted delusion of grandeur to think that you are responsible for all of the evil in the world. Even Blue Woman did not originate the smack… that originated in earlier creations. It came in through her, because of her unloving intent and desire for power that did not have any heart presence in it.

She did not understand the importance of Heart presence. In fact, she judged it as resulting in weakness, vulnerability, etc. Blue Heart people are very lost, a reflection of what happened in the beginning.

FOM had pushed most of Heart out already, except that which aligned with him. What remained in Purple was also brushed aside.

We knew we had a preference for feeling better, which is the beginnings of love, but we did not understand how to feel better. We did not understand that making connections that had a two way flow with feedback that adjusted each side to the other would feel good. We did not understand our own needs, let alone each other's.

Expansiveness is not wrong. Lifting and being lifted are not wrong. Its just that how they manifested turned out to only exacerbate our problems, rather than providing the relief that seemed obvious to the limited points of views involved.

We were not connected. And here Heart people have a lot of guilt about being the wrong connection, not connecting the right parts, not fulfilling their role so that the two sides do experience happiness.

Your pop culture says that children are not responsible for their parent's divorce, even though they often feel very responsible. You are supposed to tell them that they aren't responsible. But this just adds another layer of denial to the situation.

Heart is "responsible" for the connection/lack of connection in terms of its function. That is its job. And so that it was not able to do this "correctly" in the beginning does mean that it is "causal" to so many of the problems today.

But Heart cannot take all the responsibility. The other parts have to be willing to give honest feedback and receive honest feedback. We (the Parental parts) have felt very guilty about feeling that our problems were because of Heart's misfires in the beginning, and so have denied our blaming rage there. Which of course, meant that it came out in a state of denial.

All of this has to do with the confusion that Heart has about whether it is "Parental" or not. How can it be so causal if it is not parental? Why does it feel so guilty if it isn't responsible? And how is it supposed to save the world if it doesn't have the powers of Creation?

Heart needs to take its right place at the head table. It has long been sitting with the kids. (Often with an expectation that it is supposed to babysit those kids so that the "real" Parents can enjoy their dinner.) This is very threatening to some, as they fear a reenactment of the misfires in the beginning when Heart did not finish the connections and ended up as mates to the other side instead of connecting the mates.

They fear (including Heart people) that Heart can't be trusted, certainly not with "adult" responsibilities, which ultimately mean "life or death" responsibilities.

But reality is that Heart already has these responsibilities, so it is time for Heart to be given the "rights" that go along with them. Think of the 18-year-olds going off to fight the wars but not given the right to drink or vote. Think of the young parents responsible for the lives of their children. Think of the children whose parents are dead or disabled, or who are first born and responsible for their younger siblings.

All of this push-pull of "you're not old enough" and "you are responsible" goes back to the very beginning. Part of Heart put on a brave face and went ahead and played the part of the adult without really having the resources to do this well. Part of Heart said Fuck You and did what it wanted to do, without regard for the other part's needs (which is exactly what the "parental" parts were doing, anyway.)

And we blamed Heart for this, in so many ways. The Book talks about FOM's rivalry and express the Mother's rage and my rage, but we also need to take responsibility for… [I got this but it is hard for me to retain and put into words] our judgments about Heart that said it was not equal to us, therefore did not have input that was as important as our own input… we trivialized Heart as secondary, which meant secondary to the healing process.

Despite what the Mother and her rage said, we cannot heal as a whole without all of Heart healing along with us. Daughter's participation is not "optional." She is a vital part of the whole, and we cannot manifest the plan/dream without her. To parts of us, she seemed so causal to our problems, that we felt it would have been better for us if she was out of the picture. Literally if she "had not been born."

So this is part of DH's problem. Not only was she not to be first-born, but after she was born, she was given the impression that Creation would be better without her. This was especially confusing to the part of HD that was raped by the Father.

(me) I suddenly feel like I could channel Purple Woman/Purple Daughter's point of view of the beginning. But I am scared that it won't be validated by "matching" C's channeling of the situation.

(God) just let it flow… this will help Her work out her kinks…

(PW) No one has talked about my Emergence… but I was the very First. This is not wrong and I am sick of everybody telling me that it was. I had to draw the Light. I did not know that this would also create Manifestation (Body) (FOM), although the Mother did have a Lover in "mind". I am extremely sensitive, so the violence of my first encounters in manifestation was very devastating to me. It was like taking a steamroller to a butterfly.

In my Original Creation (I know I am not supposed to say "my" creation, but there it is) I was what you would call "etheric." Fine, delicate, responsive, soft, even tender. Like the skin of a newborn. I was the original newborn.

I was the original "twinkle in my Father's eye" that existed even before the Mother was "pregnant" with me. I am like the first "glance across the crowded room" that lets you know that a future is possible with the other person. Following me is following Grace.

In fact, you could say that I am the indicator of Grace's path… I am the first stirrings of desire, of fantasy… I exist in Dreams… I am "perfection"… "above" the toils of "life on Earth." I am the Princess in Fairy Tales. Walt Disney has taken me over in your popular culture, but he was not so far off.

And there is a huge Split in me. On the one hand, I am "above" the "sinful desires of Body" but on the other hand I am the epitome of what triggers those desires. I am the unobtainable beauty that every high school boy fantasizes about… and these fantasies involve fucking, if I may tell it like it is.

I am also the original daughter sexually abused by her Father, Grandfather, Uncle, Brother, Cousin… because I had everything that my Mother had to offer, only in a "purer" form…

I am the distillation of the Mother's sweetness, grace, and femininity… I am the ideal that every little girl dreams she will embody when she grows up.

I SEEM to "have it all…" but there is a very dark side to my experience. My original encounter with lovemaking was rape. Rape and murder, if the truth be told. You cannot rip out someone's womb and expect them to live. The Mother denied me here, and said it was Her womb, as if she was the only one who experienced the pain… but it was Me who died the original death here… and this has been reenacted endlessly… Jack the Ripper… hysterectomies… cervical and ovarian cancer…

Men want my "perfection" but with the "come on" of Blue Woman… She took one look at what happened to me, and thought she had a better solution… she judged me for not having "what it took" to please her man… we did not understand that she already had the Mother presence going "through" her in the Mother's original Ascent… and so could please her man more than I could.

The Mother's rage has made a big deal about my denial of the Mother there… as if I had schemed it all out ahead of time… Yes I had consciousness before my Sisters… but I did not have the sophistication that comes with experience… there WAS no experience before me… (unless you count Original Heart, and that was a totally different picture of how my emergence was to unfold.)

I was just on a mission… Yes there was a sense of competition… but that did not come from Me… I was SUPPOSED to be first… the others were jealous… THEY were the ones feeling competitive with me…

The big question is "what did I know" when I left the Mother… which implies "what was my intent"… which is all about blame, if you really look at it… and yes, I have had HUGE blame for myself, which opened the door to such blaming reflections…

In order to answer this, I need to explain about how the First Creation manifested… the first one after Original Heart split apart…

I will summarize the beginning parts, as they are available elsewhere.

You could say that I was the "black dot" in the Yin-Yang symbol… I was the will presence that stayed with the Light after the initial split within Original Heart between Spirit and Will that the symbol represents… I basically woke up Spirit from his Reverie… I had the original Desire for Reunion, which to the Will side means Life…

It gets complicated, but on one layer of the cake you could say that I did consummate my union with Male Heart… I was integrated into the Light…

On another layer, you could say that I was the ultimate denier of the Will Side… as I felt myself to be whole and complete, and did not want to "let any other will presence in"… I put this in quotes, because I understand that this is how it looked from the outside… but from the inside, it felt like that pressure from the outside would violate my integrity, my "personhood" as you would conceptualize it…

The Yin-Yang model describes a boundary, a barrier between the Light and the Dark… which is helpful, but another way to conceptualize it would be that the Dark side was at a great distance, and the only thing that connected us was the Wormhole that is also the Thread of Grace that kept the two sides from being lost to each other forever.

And I felt the Will essence coming up "through" the wormhole to me… but of course I did not recognize this for what it was… the rest of Me… it was SO much bigger than me… it was like I was a grain of sand, and it was the ocean… and this was supposed to come up into and through me??? I didn't understand the "through me" part… I didn't understand that the Light was where it could go, and the light was infinitely expandable… I thought that it was ME that would have to expand…

Of course all of this is not on the word level… it was just "instinct"… which means, that it was the imprints left over from the First Split, which was violent, indeed…

In fact, if you look at the first split (the Will essence squeezing down in a sphere around the Spirit essence, and the Spirit essence exploding) you can understand my trepidation about anything big inside of me trying to get out. So my "instinctual" reaction was to "clamp down"…

And the instinct behind FOM's behavior there was a desire to connect to what I was clamping down on… He was trying to build a physical bridge across the gap… along the lines of the wormhole… which was part of the reason that penis took the form it did… to reach across…

and so I was also echoing the creation of the Original Forms… as the Kundalini did not rise all the way up through me… and so the connection between the sexes was made at the second chakra level… instead of through the heart…

I am talking about the First Creation, but of its manifestation in several dimensions of "levels" of reality as you call it. So as I shift from dimension to dimension, I will leave it to you to draw the connections between them, as that cannot really be done in written language…

So there was "supposed to" be an increase of Will presence in the Light… the black dot was supposed to get bigger, and actually, mix with the light to become grey… but instead, we have the five players acting out their original imprints already… when we were planning in Original Heart we had no understanding of imprints, nothing "stuck" when it happened as we were not manifest… we did not know that this would happen…

so to spell it out, I was operating under two main impulses… one was to bond with the light… the other was to clench… Spirit's impulse was [hard to get, it’s a totally different perspective] to go towards what felt good, and deny what felt bad (the essence on the other side of the wormhole was in pain)… Body's impulse was to "manifest" the universe, which drove him to procreate—procreation is what felt good to him… Male Heart's impulse was to… do whatever it took to "win" me… many Quests were launched in this scenario… The Mother wanted to reach the Light of course, in anyway she could…

And as she flowed up the wormhole towards Me in the story that you know… there was a "Knowing" from the Second Creation (Indigo) that was present "before" this creation was even manifested—this is what happens when you don't have linear time yet—in other words, Indigo's "prescience"… in the First Creation version of the story that I am telling now…

The Mother's presence drawing near was very powerful… much more powerful than she was aware of… she stirred everything to Life… she was magnetizing Light, she was giving Manifestation the Space to unfold into… this built and built… until there was the tearing, explosive Orgasm that birthed the Second Creation…

But that is another story, and the channeler has to stop now…

I feel wounded

2006-12-06

Dear MFGH,

I feel wounded. In every single relationship I can think of, there is a wound. It may be small, it may be big, but there is a hurt that I am still carrying. I don't want to play the victim role or blame anybody—I'm sure I've wounded each of these people in turn—but I am suddenly in touch with this reality. And how much I have put on a brave face. Done my best to be loving. Never spoken of it.

I feel so incomplete. And some of these people I could tell, I could move with. Take my DH for example. Or my DF. The list just goes on and one. And I don't tell them. I don't want to risk the love that is there. I don't want to risk triggering the gap. I don't want to be ungrateful, or a whiner, or a nitpicker.

Yet there are holes in my aura, I can feel them. And gaps between me and them. And unmoved stuff.

It is tragic. How am I to fix this? How am I to heal this? What is the prognosis for the planet if I am this fucked up with my loved ones? I even feel gaps with You. They are mixed up with my outer gaps.

I guess I feel gapped with myself, for that matter. Who is this Aurum character? I don't feel love towards her. Is this a manifestation of my self-hate? I feel gapped from OH, Grandfather, God, the Mother, FOM, Heart. In fact I feel the closest to FOM.

I feel crippled. Do I have to go forward with this, forever in pain? Or is there really a way to heal?

(MFGH) you do not have to hide your wounds or deny your pain.

(me) I hate being that vulnerable. I feel like I have had to "suck it up" since the very beginning. That my original state was painful, but I felt like I had to just live with it. I deserved it because of my actions, my decisions or something. I could not go back. I could not admit that I screwed up. Or that I needed help. I had to be strong. I feel like I made a terrible, terrible mistake and there was nothing I could do to rectify it.

It actually reminds me of the regret I felt after I was separated from my DC. I still feel wounded there. And I am afraid of making my parents feel guilty. And I feel like I have to accept their explaination. But I never cried, I never grieved. I felt lost from them at this point. And everything since has been over and on top of this gap, this pain. But we never really cleared it. We never grieved it. I was and still am scared to process this with them.

I got reimprinted then. "Who the hell do you think your are?" I feel that is the paren'ts rage against me. Fueled by terror for my well being, but outraged none the less. And wanting to punish. "For my own good" but it did not help me, protect me. It hurt me. It hurt my DC. It hurt my DA. So the reality is, they were off the mark.

I don't even want to listen to You right now. I don't want to ask for your help. I don't want to have to open, especially my heart. I don't want to let you in. I am too hurt.

I am tired of you telling me I am responsible for my own wounds. That doesn't feel empowering right now. Maybe it will some day. But right now it just feels like nobody will fell empathize with me. Comfort me or soothe me. I feel like you will pity me, instead. yuck.

I don't want your pity, I want your understanding. I want you to take my side. To validate my point of view. To say I was right, even. Or at least it made sense given where I was coming from.

Where is Heart? Where is my heart? Where is the support, the love… the Grace if you must. It is hollow, empty in my heart center. It is not a source of anything. I don't know what my yoga teacher is talking about. It is dead. There is no life.

If that is Who I Am then we are screwed. "Heart has to be born in the gap." Ha. What a laugh. Exactly how is this supposed to happen? Who are its parents? There is no Source there. No wellspring of love or light. What was DF talking about [in her wedding ceremony]?

Dang I feel so jaded. I feel like totally denied heart, desperately trying to be a loving presence.

I can't even feel what is in my core. It is numb. Or maybe there is nothing there to feel. Or it is just guilt, or hate. Or there is a big spike through me. Like I was a vampire that needed to be killed.

Maybe this is what my DF is talking about. The Plane of Reversal. Maybe my heart was knocked out of me and is at the end of a wormhole somewhere. I feel some discomfort in my upper heart. The rest of it sort of vaguely itches.

Maybe I should go try and move some of this stuff…

Mother on beauty

2007-02-13

[Note: I was triggered in some email processing into an experience where I felt an appendage coming out of my heart chakra like the stamen of a flower waiting for the bees and butterflies to come and pollinate me. It was incredibly painful not to get light, acceptance, validation, etc., for this part. I felt that something was missing, and it hurt. I did not know what to do about this, except just be with it.]

(Mother) now you have a sense of my longing, and a sense of how I experienced my heart. Imagine my pain when this part of me left to go with what I was longing for.

(me) I don't know if I can imagine that, but it the experience did help me to get what it was like to "dangle" the heart "out there"—and I saw how it could be experienced as "bait."

(Mother) yes, it is an extremely sensitive part, and an extremely desirable part. The other side that "gobbled it up" just wanted the "bait" and did not recognize that this was part of me, that this was my offering… and that I would provide the grounding and depth to the relationship…

the gap between my heart and the rest of me is in part causal to the pattern of "falling out of love"…

this is also causal to female heart's sacrifice imprint. this has not been looked at. but there is a lot of sacrifice in "trying to get a man" and all of the machinations that women go through to "catch" one.

this is also causal to resentment between women—women who refuse to do this resent the women that do it, because the ones that do it end up getting the man.

beautiful women have an unseen privilege… "beautyism" is barely recognized as a phenomenon. People have deeply held judgments that beauty is a reflection of a choice that the essence made, and assume that the essence was "rewarded" with beauty. as you know there is all kinds of research about attribution that beautiful people get the benefit of the doubt.

And there is some truth to this, and I love beauty… its just that some of what is ugly is a manifestation of judgments against the will and what the will is holding… which is especially frustrating when what we are holding actually belongs to the person who is judging us…

with acceptance, the "beauty" of creation can be seen—"through" the ugliness. and with healing, the essence manifesting ugly will be able to return to its original beauty.

when you see something ugly, note your response… you may have revulsion… and it is important to get to the bottom of this. what has been "dumped" there, into it?

the "beautiful" parts of the world are able to maintain that because they send their "trash" elsewhere. they put a lot of energy into the appearance of beauty. there is confusion that the appearance = essence. this is a fundamental truth, but it gets "messed up" when denial is present.

So whether you are beautiful or ugly, you need to reach across the gap there and find your opposite part. If you are beautiful, where is your ugliness? why is it ugly in the first place? what original judgments were put on it? If you are ugly, where is your beauty? this is a part of you. It belongs to you. you can have it. you deserve it. what are you holding in your compassion for lost will that you can release back to it's parental part now?

It is important to understand that there are some parental pieces that are opening to their lost will, and so the mother pieces can start to release what they are holding. It is also important to understand that some other parental pieces are NOT opening to their lost will, and so the mother pieces don't feel right about releasing this.

please do not blame or judge the mother pieces here. they can only release as fast as there is reception for what they are releasing. they do not want to loose any aspect of the will that wants acceptance.

the exception to this rule is unloving light. All pieces need to release this. God has acceptance here, and will redeem it or put it in its right place. you do NOT have to hold this any more.

I know many of you are terrified that in moving out the unloving light, the will presence holding it will get even more denied and lost. You need to move your terror here, because you are actually clamping down on the process. The will can be trusted—if it is allowed to go through its own process. If you get the will vibrating that is holding the unloving light, it can release it.

And your intention and judgment releases can help this process. But don't hold back because of this fear.

We all need to work together. We all have different tasks. Please, if you don't understand the healing process of a different kind of "part," don't rush to judgment. You can't evaluate the progress of somebody else by the steps on your own path.

And if you are not clear about your own path, then forgive yourself here. There is good reason for you to be confused. And if you judge you own path as wrong, you need to release this judgment as well. This is deeply held in the will.

Lack of trust in the will being able to heal is a form of terror. This may need to move first before other layers can begin to move.

Remember that judgments are best release when the will that is "holding" them is vibrating. With the intent to move them out, and the intent to receive Loving Light, healing can happen fairly quickly.

(me) thank you. I am getting that I should put this up ASAP.

(Mother) yes.

Emergence Point

2006-11-24

[note: they were talking both about my personal emergence point and everyone's emergence point]

(MFGH) there is a "beginning point" in your consciousness… an "assemblage point" if you will…that is the most "core you"… or rather, the most central point of your point of view…it has the quality of perception, of distinguishing itself from what it is perceiving… the origin of duality… the origin of "reality" and then experience over time… [hubby adds: the origin of the experience of "self."]

for each of these points, the beginning is like a little "big bang"… and at the beginning of each point of view is the pattern that represents the truth about that place/time… the "DNA" of that being, on a metaphysical level…

you did not choose where you were in the Greater Body of God… but you chose when you were--when you emerged…and so your responsibility is not in your essence, but in your original "decision" to emerge as a separate entity… and this decision can be understood by understanding the story of the Greater Forces up to that point…

there is always an original judgment there… even if it is only "time for Me-ness"… but most commonly, it was in reaction to what had happened up to that point…

the decision that you made, that we talked about before… is key to understanding you experience, since that time… to be Heart, before Heart emerged, before the function of Heart could be in place, before it was manifested by the making love of the parental parts… is the conundrum that you have been trying to understand…

in fact "you" go back to the virtual reality of Original Heart… you/y'all/We thought we knew what would happen in the experience of separating, but we did not know… we were the ultimate in inexperience, without even knowing that there was a distinction called "experience" that had a cumulative effect on the being of an entity…

in Original Heart there was no imprinting, experience was always fluid and could always be "reset" to zero… the history of what went before was not damaging, in the ways it is in manifestation… and this is the great mistake that God made for so very long… not even realizing that this was his core assumption about reality, that there were no consequences, which made it so very hard for him to understand the Mother's experience…

So in your "metaphysical DNA" is the history of Everything that led up to your decision to emerge… and your being is the Manifestation, the Birth of that history… you were reflecting to the Universe "this is what you get if you were to Create at this moment in time from this place in the Body"… you were Information to the Cosmic Evolutionary Path. Feedback.

But you did not really know what it would be to Experience life as that manifestation. You did not foresee the consequences of emerging then, any more than we did in the very beginning. Many of you have felt that you made a terrible mistake… that your original decision was wrong, since you have had so much pain as a "consequence" of it.

But you need to forgive yourself there. We all have experienced pain; there was no emergence point that would have been better for you, that would have allowed you to escape the pain, or prevent the pain. You did not do it wrong.

Yes We have judged it as wrong, so there is a reason that you have felt guilty… but We are releasing this fundamental judgment against you, as we are releasing it against ourselves.

A huge part of Us has felt that we never should have manifested in the first place, when we split Original Heart… We have felt that the pain was not worth the outcome… We have had very angry parts of ourselves…

yet the irony is there is literally no one but ourselves to "blame." If we are parental (and ultimately, everyone can trace their path back to Original Heart), we have to own that we made the decision… out of Love…

What a horrible/beautiful understanding… it is almost beyond comprehension, if you are to embrace the totality of what happened… in fact it has been beyond comprehension, as we did not see the role of denial or understand the manifestation of the Gap… our core identities were not able to comprehend what our consciousness was denying…

Nor did we understand that the Void had a kind of "reversal-consciousness" that would be disturbed by Manifestation… that would give rise to the Smack… the asuras that want only to get out of the trap of Manifestation and return to an un-manifest state… and would kill everything to do this.

The participation of this denial energy in the history of creation has not been seen clearly, either. It has "aligned" with every impulse to deny, push away, or kill another and given it the quality that you call "evil"… this is the Shadow of Manifestation itself… the "cost" of manifesting, so to speak… disturbing the Void and mixing asuras into manifestation...

again, this is a question of right place. when the gaps are healed, then this energy can go back into the void, outside of Us… we won't be giving it a place among Us…

So. This is just part of the lesson, just the background. What you did in particular to end up with bipolar is your own personal story in relation to all of this. How do you think it fits together?

(me) well I am kind of going off of what you said before, that I made the decision to embrace the polarities as they were without much heart presence to mitigate their extremes or integrate them. That makes the most sense to me. I am not quite sure how this translates to the Indigo experience yet. I have been trying to understand that part for a long time. I have put it as "how did I get from the bottom of Yellow up to Indigo? How did I emerge at both places at once?"

(MFGH) well to put it simply, you embraced these two polarities. But first we have to understand who the "you" is that embraced this.

There are many, many branches of Heart. You could almost take any two points along the spectrum and find a Heart Presence trying to balance the two. They do not all gather "in Green" so to speak. Indigo is the Heart between Purple and Blue. Orange is the Heart between Yellow and Red. And heart positions resonate with other heart positions.

There is also the Heart presence between any two Main Parts—your hubby is the perfect example of this, trying to balance Body and Heart. There are aspects of diety that are between Spirit and Heart, Will and Heart, Will and Body, Spirit and Body... Do these have a color? no, not exactly. But they have resonances with the issues in other "heart" colors.

But your emergence point of view was actually previous to the manifestation of the Rainbow. The Lens to break up the light hadn't quite emerged yet. (Form.) So your point of view did not get a physical form until the Heart Daughters manifested. That was the closest form to you.

And this also goes back to Original Heart. The beautiful forms manifesting colors beneath the lens of FOM's gaze was a virtual experience there that was very pleasing and much anticipated as a manifestation out in Reality. So it was not wrong. But the consciousness in and from Original Heart did not anticipate the Mother's point of view or experience there. We had no way to deal with it, let alone know it in the totality of our being.

So yes, you feel Parental to the Daughter Hearts… in that you had a self-organizing consciousness that preceded many other emergence points. This is part of why you have felt so responsible for the Daughters' gaps. In your OOOC imprinting, you felt that you were causal to the gaps between the Original Parents, as you did not bridge them, you did not keep your "parents" together, and this original gap was parental to many of the other gaps. And from another point of view (Original Heart's), your "parents" are more like your children, so there is yet another layer of responsibility.

The Godchannel has not focused on this Original Guilt, as that has not been my mission there. I have wanted to give voice to not-guilt, to help people balance out the terrible voices that have been plaguing them since before the beginning.

But these feelings must be addressed, and particularly by people in your position. The gift of guilt here is helping you to get in touch with your "responsibility"—and thus your Power.

(me) thank you.

the OC of bipolar disorder (including a rant)

Note: as I have bipolar disorder (manic depression), I am working on understanding the OC of this, and its realtionship to Indigo in many of my sessions.)

2006-11-10

(MFGH)

If all is going well, and Indigo is connected to Purple, then the process of outpicturing manifestation is informed by loving Spirit light. But when it is not, then what is manifest is in the Gap.

Ideally, the Mother's desire rises, and all along the way up, within each Chakra, loving Light meets it and the chakras project the form at their layer of existence.

Indigo, of course, is associated with Sight, so at that layer you can "see" the projections. At other layers you can sense them in other ways. Indigo can also help you see what is going on in each chakra.

The receptive centers are not only receiving what is coming "at" them, from the outside in, but also the energies going "up" and "down" the chakra line. And they have to vibrate to do this and to "process" the "information." Each one has its own set of triggers and filters and also each one has its own will presence to magnetize either the reflections it needs to heal, or the light it needs to manifests its desires.

We have been looking (in the books) at whole orders of Rainbow Spirits, but it is also important to at the Heart presence in each of the chakras, on the micro and macro scales.

Being bi polar does have a lot to do with Indigo and also being Indigo Heart. We have been looking at the tubes going "up" and "down" but there are also tubes going "side to side" connecting the will and spirit sides of each chakra.

Note: In our lessons we have considered the "heart" connections, or tubes, in between each chakra.

(me) this is confusing to me because I have identified with Indigo Will.

(God) Yes, but… or yes, and… you also have involvement on the spirit side of Indigo and it is important to look at this so that you can heal the will side.

We have alluded to the "beat" of heart, the "pumping action" of heart, in the Great Circultation… and if you look at the human heart, you will see there are four chambers…

(me) http://www.gwc.maricopa.edu/class/bio202/cyberheart/hartint0.htm

(God) the point is there is both "sending" and "receiving" on both the will and spirit sides… the rhythm of the breath--intake, outgo--is the fundamental cycle in and through each structure in your body…

Indigo is in the "heart" position of the upper chakras. It has to send and receive from both sides. And there is the up and down flow and the side to side flow. If the up and down flow is "too much" it can destabilize the side to side flow. Cause it to swing from one side to the other.

(me) now it is my turn to say "yes, but…" what about the lack of density in brain tissue [bipolar brains are less dense than normal brains]? how is that a flow issue? how is body "holding" something? how is movement supposed to fix that?

(God) well there is an OC to the brain tissue question. When you were conceived, the genetic material told body how to manifest. Where did this come from? when was the first "change" in the genetic material?

The first thing to know is that this didn't happen to all of Indigo, or even all of Indigo's heart or will. Part of you insistence that this [bipolar disorder] is caused by Body rather than lost spirit or will is because it is one of those structural reflections of the events in OC. You have to go all the way back to your origins…

(me) I am very confused about my origins, I feel like I have presence in all kinds of stories…

(God) Indigo's history has been hidden, because Indigo hid. But as you also know, history is peppered with famous people with bipolar disorder. So there is another side—the manic side—that is very visible.

(me) is the energy of mania and darkness of depression mine? or am I being overloaded with upper and lower chakra feelings?

(God) this is a very good and important question.

The two sides of Indigo (the bipolar aspecting) got "blown out." If Indigo was an amplifier, we could say that the input or volume was too loud.

This increase input or volume changed the structure of the form. Indigo's form became like elastic that was stretched out or a groove that was traced by the end of a pendulum.

Part of the problem was that Green Heart was not able to connect the two sides, let alone balance them. And this was in turn a reflection of the Original Bypass between the male and female sides of Heart.

This aspect of Indigo felt that it had to encompass the whole experience of what it was receiving from the two ends… it felt it had to be a mirror. It in fact felt that all of the Created Spirits should do the same thing, and has a rage that others did not do this. It feels that it has an understanding of the two sides that others do not, and specifically, and understanding of the heart position. It has rage at Heart… for not doing its job in the big picture.

The connection you feel with your husband is in part because you were also giving form to bridging the gap between Spirit and Will, but at a higher location. You also have a rage and an empathy for Jesus—and also a great love there. Male Heart was trying to bridge the same gap, but it was much too little and too late from your perspective.

(me) well I can definitely relate to being so frustrated that the two sides don't understand each other, as well as heart not seeming to encompass the whole thing. I also have rage at the "healing into wholeness" for… not having to go the route that I did to accomplish the same thing. I feel like both a hero and a victim…

I also feel terribly unseen and misunderstood. The only people that seem to "get" me are my husband and the other beepers ["beeper = BPer = person w/ bipolar]. I don't even feel that the other Daughters get this, and I feel that RU people blame and judge me. I don't even know if other Indigo people would relate to me. I kind of feel like Body alone knows the challenges of manifesting the actual range of experience in Spirit and Will… and he doesn't even have the whole range within his personality.

I feel like everyone wants to give ME advice, like I am the "defective" one, who just doesn't move enough, or something. But I am the ONLY one who gets both sides. Well maybe that isn't true, but it feels that way sometimes. And in the beeper community, I don't have anyone doing RU.

I feel so damn alone.

I also don't think that people get how exhausting/impossible it is to swing not from triggers or briging in lost essence, but because the body-response is set the way it is. Like its too sensitive. Like its driving the feelings, not the feelings driving it. I feel like I am backwards from the whole universe. Like a bizarre experiement from some crazy blueprint that God/Heart/Body cooked up.

Or maybe I am reflecting a judgment about what Heart would look like if it encompassed both ends.

Could I be that? Could I be a manifestation of a judgement that Someone made somewhere? Their lost will, acting it out? "This is what will happen if you try to have Humans be New Heart?" Am I the first "flawed" batch of that experiment?

I do sort of feel like I am following instructions. Being dutiful and sacrificing. Doing what I was told. And nobody appreciates it. (besides my husband). There certainly isn't room for me in society. And then there is being a danger to myself or others. And the much worse cases of BP. And the stigma, and all of that. And not being able to get insurance. "We don't insure Beepers." There is so much blame in that. "Its your fault you got this way. We're not responsible for you."

I feel like I made a decision somewhere, and also, that somehow I got stretched too thin. I wonder if this is why I had nightmares of wires. My tube goes too far.

I almost feel like it is an agreement made with Body to be or encompass it all. I also have a suspicion that something got pushed out somewhere.

I feel really old. And what is my role/responsibility in relation to the Smack? I feel like I aligned with Lucifer, somehow—that I was his mate in lieu of the Mother. Also that he made me crazy, caused me to gap between the two poles…

And then there is my jealousy of "normies" and my wanting to be like them. And my outraged resentment of those that take mental health for granted. Who don't even know what their mind does for them. Who don't even know what a gift it is, what a marvelous instrument of reality. Who don't appreciate it, who waste it.

And then there is the painful and confusing reflections that I am spirit polar, up there, etc. and "have no idea how bad it is."

I am wondering if a core judgment is something like "in order to bridge the two sides, I have to manifest them" (as opposed to channel them). A bridge too far, a tube too engaged…

And I guess I have all the judgments that this could kill me, that it isn't survivable, that it isn't functional, that Heart won't help me, that nobody will understand… I feel like I have the judgments of all the parts within me (no I don't thank that is unique, I think everybody has this) but also this other layer of judgments about what encompassing both sides is…

Is this all my fault for making these judgments? God that would suck. That would be so humiliating and painful and depressing and just plain stupid…

(God) no it isn't all your fault… you were innocent of that, you wanted to prove that it could be done, you had guilt and rage there, but also love. A driving force for you has been the sense that you would get some relief if all the parts did connect up and the Greater Body could encompass the Whole. This has spurred heart's leap and some judgment about how the rest of creation doesn't "get it." We are getting it, more and more…

(me) I feel the stirring of some rage that wants to say "I told you so!' "Why didn't you listen to me?" "I sacrificed myself for you!" "Why are you always blaming the Body-Heart alignment? We are just manifesting YOUR vision, YOUR desires…YOUR judgments…"

I feel in some ways I am the antithesis of Daughter who polarized to Spirit or Will—that I somehow polarized to both. And this is "not possible" according to most people's cognitive schema. I don't fit into any box. I get shoved in boxes all the time, however.

I just had the thought that I am manifesting the two extremes without any tempering of each… they are very disconnected extremes, stuck together. The opposite of bringing light down and will up. Maybe that is why that meditation helps me so much. Like I am a particularly non-integrated aspect or reflection of Heart.

Maybe the meds are helping me to bridge my own gap there…

(Mother) In the Second Creation… I felt part of me remaining with Spirit as I fell away… the dot of yin in the yang side… and part of Him was in me… and these two parts remained connected somehow… on kind of a wormhole level… they "knew" what was required to keep us together… or believed they did… it was the faintest glimmerings of Heart… with a memory of Old Heart, so to speak… of when we were One…

And there was a judgment on both sides, barely verbalized… that said "if We are to stay together, I will have to 'stretch'"… "I will have to encompass both sides" "I will have to be bi-polar" (of course all this is going on pre-language, certainly not in English) and the "worm hole" agreed… felt it had the answer… denied our true response to this, in a way… ignored it, ignored the warning signs that we did not have alignment with this yet, that we had to process our feelings about it, have our own unique point of view self-validated, so to speak…

We did not understand that we had to grow our own Dots into their Fullness within us… we felt them as foreign objects… not to say that they felt bad to us, they felt good, but still "other" at this point… and we were kind of intimidated by them, in awe of them… especially my side… I felt that I had to listen to it, and not give my response to it…

On God's side it was more like he wanted to explore it, to find out what it would give to him, rather than penetrate it with his light of Acceptance…

Acceptance was not even born yet… but we had the barest beginning of our Forms as you know them today…

The worm hole leapt in a big way… thought it had all the information it needed… did not wait to see what would happen or allow process to unfold…

This became the judgment (although it thought of itself as the "solution") that became the imprint in Indigo essence that bonded with Body ("seduced" I have sometimes felt) to create a connection between the two sides…

This became the corpus callosum that connects the right and left sides of the brain… Which is a good solution, actually…

But the part that you are concerned about, the OC of bi-polar is a function of the limbic system, which among other things, connects emotions to thought.

Each aspect of this system has its own "OC" which I do not want to go into now. But each provides a "solution" to the Body's question, how to manifest life?

Your "answer" to Body was a fairly simplistic "by connecting the two parts." This is certainly the starting point, but it is not all that was needed. Your answer was also "the body (of the created being) needs to manifest/match the experience of the two parts—it linked the body functions with the two aspects… but it was these aspects in their disconnected states…

On one side was the revving up of the energy, mood, sexuality, gratification-seeking, etc. and on the other, the slowing down of these same things. This linkage of mood, etc., and body is very important for the survival of the being, so it was not wrong.

What is wrong is when it is disregulated, of course. And you are looking for the OC of that.

Let me take another pass at this…

There was a degree of rejection of both sides by the wormhole… it was more of a connector than a tube… it kept us from splitting into infinity opposite of each other… (in the books God said that we were able to find out way back because his smack and my closure wasn't strong enough to split us permanently, but he was overlooking the presence of the wormhole)…

(me) thank you, I need to digest