on denial essence

NOTE: this is a compilation of three days of channeling. (It was too icky to stay with very long.)

2006-11-25

Dear MFGH,

...what about the essence of Indigo being warped? [this is something I experienced about my indigo several years ago.] And is that related to bipolar?

Dear Sapphire,

We have not yet talked about the presence of Asuras and Luciferian light in your experience. They add another twist. Before we do that we would like to discuss another aspect of Indigo which X brought up, that being the "blueprint" that Indigo holds. [X noted that the color of blueprint ink is indigo.]

Each chakra, indeed each Order of Spirit, carries its own blueprint for how we saw manifestation arising when we planned creation. For the sake of clarity, let us say that this is different than the "metaphysical DNA" that we talked about yesterday, [2006-11-24] which carries the lineage of what actually happened in manifestation. The blueprint is more like the idea that we had in the Original Heart creation about manifestation. From the Will's perspective, it would be the Mother's Dream.

It is related to Indigo in that this is the assemblage point that combines the perception of the idea (from Spirit) and the perception of the dream (from the Will)—the link between "inspiration" and the "subconscious." There is a "knowing" about the blueprint/dream in the being, that is experienced through the indigo chakra, but comes from Spirit and Will. Body and Heart have involvement too, but let us put them aside for the moment.

If there is a problem in the indigo chakra, then there is a problem with knowing what the blueprint/dream is, as well as one's role in it. It is like having a TV with bad reception. Another issue is whether one is getting the latest broadcast.

We have talked about the receptive centers being "full," "deadened," and "lacking vibration." They can also be "imprinted," "holding unloving light," and "fragmented," meaning some of their essence is lost. There is the "family" within each chakra to consider—the four parts of the chakra. And finally there is the "warping" of the chakra essence itself.

Understanding this last aspect requires you to model space/time in such a way that allows for things like "void" and "intention" and "the matrix" and "being arising." What we are really talking about is a multidimensional experience in the continuously arising now, from an omniscient point of view, which is, as you can imagine, difficult to put it into words.

The point of even talking about this at all is to gain understanding of your particular experience and therefore healing path, so I will direct my modeling towards that end.

The first questions when we are talking about the indigo chakra are "what is the substance of thought? What is the substance of perception, itself?" So you can see that we are in a non-ordinary level of reality right off the bat. Yet it is a totally ordinary experience to think and perceive. But to perceive thinking and perception requires you to be in a context other than, or greater than, thought and perception themselves.

Attending to the sensations of your subtle bodies is a good place to start. These give you a clue about how the energy is flowing through the chakras, which can help you figure out the shape of the chakras. Its like how perceiving the river implies the shape of the river bed, and watching the swirls and currents on the surface give you and idea of the rocks and holes beneath.

Doing "empty mind" meditation can also be helpful. This helps you distinguish the thoughts themselves from that which perceives or "observes" them.

And of course movement and ignition can help you understand the events that gave rise to the decisions and fragmentation that shaped the substance/essence, and allow you to restore it to a more functional state.

You have a pretty good idea/experience of how imprinting and fragmentation shape the substance of your being, so we will not talk about that here. Instead I would like to talk about the "presence" of "denial energy" or "asuras" or "void" or "death" and its impact on the shape of the indigo chakra.

2006-11-26

Dear MFGH,

I have a lot of doubt that I could receive this information. Also it feels like its really "hard stuff."

Dear Sapphire,

As a way of transitioning into the next piece, let us look at what happens to a tube [conduit] when it is "channeling" denial—when denial is going "through" it. This isn't literally what is happening, it is more of a metaphor, but it will get you in the ballpark.

When the flow isn't happening, when there is some block or rejection, this is one kind of denial. But when what is coming through is denial, then you have a different kind of problem. Imagine a force that deflects light, love, acceptance, vibration, and how it would warp everything around it, everything that touches it. It often pushes forward a "wave of guilt" in front of it.

As it pushes through, it has no sensitivity to what it is going through or where it is going. It does not adapt to anything. It cannot resonate with anything, it has no empathy. It does find the path of least resistance, however, and that is why your own judgments, gaps, cracks and guilt can leave you open to denial energy.

It has what we would call "hatred for life" but it does not experience this as hatred. It experiences this as an intent. This is what we would call it's "survival drive." Except it is not going towards what we would call survival. It is going towards un-manifestation. To Life, this is the ultimate evil—a drive for death.

Yet there are many ways that living essence has aligned with death. There are many causes for this, but one cause is that the essence is holding the denial energy, and this energy's intent is influencing the essence. It can show up as "voices" telling the person to kill or die, or self-destructive behavior, or suicidal ideation, or a death wish.

Another cause for aligning with death is that it is extremely painful for the essence receiving or holding this energy to be in contact with it, let alone to hold it.

So it is important to have understanding for suicidal moments.

(me) I am trying to map this on to my own experience of suicidal moments. It seems I have several flavors. There is the kind when the pain is so great, and I feel so worthless, often triggered by rejection… there is the kind that just wants out, wants to escape, yearns for peace… there is the kind that feels this is the only possible response to a thought or behavior that I or others have judged as bad, that I deserve to die, that I must kill myself before others reject or hurt me… there is the kind that is expressing how much pain I am feeling, how I cannot accept the situation… there is the kind that feels like Lucifer is pounding in to me, telling me that I am bad, evil, don't deserve to live… there is the really scary violent impulse that says I must die if I am a perpetrator…

(MFGH) Yes there are many flavors here. Let us analyze before we synthesize. You have an image of a core of denial/death/void with the Will clamped around it, trying not to let it move through, and because this is so painful the essence touching it, and nearest to it, has stopped moving in defense—and this is one of the forms of suicide, because to live, the will must vibrate.

Now imagine a more complex picture… with the denial energy are more like a "shadow" or "underbelly" or "skin" to other energy, energy that is being sent, is transmiting through, or being received. In other words, even though denial energy has an "anti-vibrational" force to essence touching it, it still can move through creation. Especially through and to the places where essence is not vibrating freely.

This is one of the reasons why guilt is so deadly. Guilt "fills the space" where you back down, it separates; it is the opposite of love, which unites. It diminishes us. It prevents my Loving Light from reaching you. It blocks it. Like denial essence, it gets trapped in the magnetic field. So vibration helps it move out.

And to energy that wants vibration to cease, that wants de-manifestation, the guilt-space looks like a good place to be. So it adds its intent to kill to the guilt-space, and gives guilt that "pounding down" quality. If the essence that has backed down already has judgments against itself, it aligns with this pounding, allows the denial energy to reimprint the judgment, and may open to unloving light as well.

This brings up another issue—the relationship of light to denial energy. Let us start with unloving light and denial energy. There are several ways of looking at this, and one is not "more correct" than another. Each is like looking through a different facet to see the center of the gem.

One understanding is that unloving light and denial energy are one and the same. And what binds them, what makes them the same, is the shared intent to stop movement.

Another understanding is that denial energy travels along the "beams" of unloving light, and adds its own "punch" to that which is receiving it.

Another understanding is that denial energy is "fueled" by unloving light, as in an incarnated denial spirit getting its light from Lucifer.

(me) I need a break, please.

(MFGH) yes, this is unpleasant stuff.

2006-11-27

Dear MFGH,

Today I heard about a young person committing suicide. He was shamed the night before. I am imagining that he could not take it. That's how I feel about shame. I want to kill myself. I feel like I have a really strong judgment that accepting that I am bad is unbearable. Or that I can't work through those feelings.

Dear Sapphire,

We have been shamed for our behavior, but also for our responses. We have been shamed for our desires, especially around sex, and our sexual responses. We have been shamed for being bad, evil, unloving, but also stupid, clumsy, dense, and for having all of the vices—the deadly sins and various abuses.

There is a "breaking" of the personality possible, when the shaming matches an internal judgment and a certain threshold of pain is reached. When one feels shame, one experiences that the other doing the shaming is justified. When one gets the message that "you are bad" over and over again, especially from others that you are dependent on, the message become internalized.

Shame happens when you "know" you have violated the values of your reference group or reference person. It doesn't matter whether the standards set by the reference group are realistic or not. Once they are internalized, then one can be shamed.

When one has more self-acceptance, shame diminishes. But self-acceptance isn't a one dimensional experience. Especially when your "checkered past" goes all the way back to the beginning of time. There were plenty of opportunities for "mistakes" to be shamed for.

If the one shaming would move their own feelings instead of shaming the other, they would also eventually get to a place of self-acceptance and then would be able to forgive—or at least have compassion for the other.

Even if shamed one knew that the would-be shamer was triggered into their stuff, anger for example, it would still be better. When another is moving their stuff, it is easier for us to sort our what is mine from what is theirs. It makes it easier to relate.

But there is another dimension to all of this, and that is the presence of the denial energy. Why is the impulse to self-harm so strong? There is a shadow involved, with an intent to de-manifest. To this energy, shaming is an opportunity to kill manifestation. Ironically, the very thing that would help the situation, movement with judgment release, also looks like the worst possible thing to do and experience. It can look like a denial of the "transgression." But you need to release this denial energy. And you need to do it safely.

You can do this through movement itself. The important thing is to stay connected to My Light. I can "escort" this energy to where it needs and wants to go. If you can hang on to your intent to let it go, even in the darkest places, this will help immensely. I know that that is not always possible. But it is something to work for.

(me) Thank you. I am afraid to hope here. I am afraid this is not right. I am afraid to find out that the only way for me to heal is to accept responsibility for thing I don't want to accept responsabilty for. I am afraid of the community knowing that I was "the one." I am afraid that I am bad and evil, down to the core. I am afraid that you are just a figment of my subconscious trying to give me a way out when I do not deserve a way out. When taking the way out would kill me anyway.

(God) what would happen to you if you "had to" accept what you don't want to? I mean in detail, energetically?

(me) you mean if it [the transgression] were mine?

(God) both ways, if it were, and if it weren't.

(me) I guess it is a viscious cycle. I am afraid that I would feel shame, unbearable shame, and it would drive me to kill myself. In either case, whether it really was mine or not.

(God) what if moving in response to this shame would allow for the release of this denial energy?

What you have to understand is that you were killed, that there was an intent to murder you, and you now have that intent in your aura.

(me) Holy Smokes!!!

(God) and it might have to look like you were going to "receive harm at the hands of others" in order to trigger what is so tightly held here?

(me) shit. I do not like this. I do not like this at all.

(God) yes, it is an unfortunate reality. A terrible reality. I am sorry that you have to go through this.

(me) I don't want to go through this!

(God) the problem is that you will draw a reflection commesurate with the level of our denial.

(me) don't I have a say into when and how I move into this?

(God) of course. And you are right to have your say, and to follow what your say says. Your say is trying to protect you. To defend you. It cannot relax unless it judges/feels you are safe.

(me) maybe I can do some work with this on the chair.

(God) Maybe you can release the guilt that you have for 1) having the feelings of self-harm 2) "harboring" a "denial spirit" 3) drawing shaming reflections 4) doing something that deserves these reflections

(me) maybe I should read Bradshaws book [Healing the Shame that Binds You] again.

(God) yes, that may be good for some triggers…

(me) sigh…

I guess its time to wrap this up, at least for this installment. Thank you.

(God) thank you for talking with us.